In this episode I discuss all things, me. Where Im at, emotionally, mentally, and how the hell I wound up back in court.
Hey what's up, gentlemen, this is Rising Phoenix podcast podcast about how to rise up after divorce. I'm your host divorce coach, Michael Rhodes. Let's get into it. Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 113. I chuckled because that's, it's a lot. This is going to be a solo one, which I'm not always fond of, especially when I'm sort of talking about where I'm at in life and kind of what I'm going through, I believe in transparency and honesty, I sort of set the tone for that in episode one, but lately, things have been tough. And so I'd rather come at you from a place of like, life is great, and everything's wonderful. But that would be a fucking lie. And while sort of the, the divorce is sort of Ground Zero, I guess, or, you know, kind of the main source of some of the shit that I'm dealing with. It's not the totality and it's just, it's just life. And life's fucking hard. Divorce is really hard. And it doesn't make it any easier. But life is hard. And you know, I've had some struggles lately some some very significant struggles. I had probably the worst day I've had in a very long time, a few weeks ago, but I'm still here. So that's at least an indication that I survived it. And I think perhaps there's a lesson and some motivation in that, but I want to come to you and be like, I'm past everything and and I've learned all lessons and I'm, I am now the master and just listen to everything that I say because I know what the fuck I'm doing. But the truth is I'm I think I said as to in Episode One is I'm learning. I think I said it under the context of podcasting, but I think I think that speaks true to life. I'm learning I'm growing, I'm trying, but man, sometimes it's really fucking hard. And it's not. It's not necessarily about the more stuff. You know, like I said, it's divorce is certainly the common theme or the influencer or the creator, perhaps of the situation. But there's so many other things. And so many ripple effects. And certainly the biggest stressor in my life right now is my job. And I don't, you know, there's, there's not much to say there. Those of you that know me well and closely know that it's been a very difficult job for me and a struggle and it's caused it's rippled out throughout my life. But there other things that are our stressors, certainly, and divorce is one of them. And then, unfortunately, things have kicked up back on that front in a way. And I'll explain this, and I'll explain sort of the my worst day, which was a couple of weeks ago, and I'll sort of touch on it. And what I did and how I handled it, I will say that I am a resilient motherfucker. That is for sure. And so by the way, I'm not special in that regard. So we're all of you, if you're listening, you've been through the same shit I have. Our stories are all very similar, obviously not identical, but they're very similar. And if you're listening, then you're a survivor as well. And, but despite that, you know, bad days are gonna come. They just are and so try to remember that. When those bad days do come to you. You've survived them before and it was yours. You'll survive them again. I'm sure of it. We will together. And while doing the soul episodes is not very fucking comfortable. Sometimes a lot of times unless I have a specific topic. I got a I got to do I feel compelled that it's not easy. If I'm being honest. Sometimes I'm like, I don't want to fucking do this anymore. Not not. I want to interview people, but I'm tired of trying to set up interviews and truthfully, I haven't been doing much of it lately. Not not enough. Nearly I emailed somebody the other day and they were like, well, how many listeners do you have? Yeah, fuck you. I just that bothered me. I don't know why. In truth he told it. I don't know. I think five to 6000 over you know from from from the beginning. That's not followers, but that's listeners because not everybody that listens follows for whatever weird reason, which I actually kind of get because i i watched stuff on YouTube. And and I don't always have to bribe or follow those people. So I sort of get it, but I'm sort of getting off track. But so yeah, I'm not gonna I didn't even reply to that. I think it was a dude, but I remember correctly. So anyway, so So let me talk about what's going on. So part of the divorce settlement was I was to transfer money from my 401k to her, so she could put it in her forall. Or she was going to open an account and put it in an IRA and put it in with whoever she chose, or whatever. So. So that was part of the divorce decree. Now, I chose the funds that were to be used. I, and I'm going to do an episode on this with with a financial advisor that I had on before Amy, because I kind of plucked up to be quite honest with you. You know, once we settled on a number, we settled on a number to transfer from for me to her, I kind of felt like, I didn't have lawyer her and I sort of negotiated that back and forth. And I didn't have a lawyer, I did have a lawyer look over it. But I told him not to worry about that section. Because I we picked a number and it was good. While there was some language in there that kind of it's not, it's not fucking me necessarily, but it could. And so anyway,
so let me try and explain this as best I can. So the the her lawyer was responsible for filling out the Quadro or QD Aro, however, the fucking want to see the qualified domestic relations order, which essentially tells fidelity that they need to transfer money from my fidelity account, whichever ones to her, and whatever account she has set up. Well, the first time they submitted it, it was rejected by fidelity because there wasn't a proper information didn't have addresses, I think, and it didn't have a specific date as to evaluation. So evaluation of the fund or funds. Initially, it was fine. So let me back up a little bit. During this process, I identify two funds that I wanted to use for for this transfer. And just to be fucking clear, I'm $61,000. And I don't want to go down too big of a rabbit hole here. But sometimes it chaps my ass when I think about this, because for a long time, I would always needle her Hey, start your own 401k Where did you sign up for your 401k and it was always some fucking excuse. Well, now that it's fucking me because I was putting money away and she really wasn't. And so now I have to give her 61,000 fucking dollars. So anyway, I digress. Let's not crawl down that rabbit hole. It is what it is. That's that's the way it played out. Those them's the rules jack. So following them. So anyway, so I said, Okay, well, I have this fund and this fund, let's use these two. And I told him that when they sent me to the the draft of the divorce, the settlement, the marital settlement agreement, I said change it to these two funds, I indicated these two funds. And the amount was good and but there was language in there that basically said, any losses or gains in that time period. But of course, that means it's only the gains really, I think I know it's very, I fucked up. Long story short, I should add, I should have had in let's just be a lesson to y'all. Get a fucking lawyer. Keep a fucking lawyer. I know it's expensive, but it's cost me more, because I had to get another lawyer. So anyway, so the first quadro got a judge rejected. And so then they then this one, when that happened, Her lawyer said, I filled out an old form. And I was doing this malicious intent to withhold money or some bullshit, bullshit bullshit, which wasn't true. I signed what he sent me. He just didn't fill out the fucking form correctly. And I said, Oh, by the way, before they submitted the first form, they they confirmed like are these two accounts okay? And I actually, I said no, actually, it's just this one now, because I had to pull out I also had to give her $13,000 in cash, which is basically basically the equity in the house minus the debt and all that kind of stuff. Again, we negotiated this out, I was fairly comfortable with that number. I mean, I didn't love it. I think it's bullshit, but it is what it is. That was the rules jack. So in order to get that 13,000 I don't know about any of you if you have $13,000 laying around somewhere that's easily accessible or liquid as the financial folks Hey, can we be friends because I don't have that kind of fucking money. So if you do, maybe you give me some tips on how to have that kind of money anyway, so I identified one of the two funds that I was going to use to transfer to her as going to be the source of that $13,000 I was going to pull that money out of there and yes, I know before you fucking scream and yell at me that Oh, you're gonna pay taxes and penalties. No shit again, not rich don't have $13,000 hanging around. So I did what I had to do. I accounted for the taxes and penalties and withdrew the proper amount, or at least I hope I did, I'll find out tax time. And but unfortunately, I wasn't. So because one of those two for both of those funds actually were workplace plans, I couldn't pull chunks out, I had to liquidate the whole thing. And put that in an IRA and then take out the monies that I was going to use to give to her. So that fucked me in a way because although I don't know how much I want to how complicated want to get this, maybe I'll save it for the for the financial advisor, but essentially, that I chose those two funds, one of those funds wasn't even around during separation. So remember, we took almost what we took about three and a half years to finalize everything in our divorce. So that was a job that I got after separation. I didn't know that the dates were irrelevant. I was just looking at amount of money and funds to choose from. And but they had statements. So they were when when I said change it to this fund and this fund, they said, Okay, send us the statements, which I was like, Sure, here you go. So they were aware, or at least they should have been if they would have done any kind of digging, they've been they would have been aware that if you use the date of valuation of which was the date of separation is what they picked. And by the way, if you are listening, Melissa, you filed on your fucking daughter's birthday. And I know you're trying to retroactively change that shit with different paperwork, but I had the originals. So they tried to use the date of or they did use the date of separation, which was in July of 2019. That second fund that I chose wasn't even around in July of 2019. I didn't know that that was a factor. I was looking again at where can I get money to pay this. That's all I was looking at. And so even pull, I knew that the $13,000 coming out of that fund, I still was going to have enough married with the other fund. And I know this all sounds probably fun, complicated, but I'm not trying to make it complicated. I knew it was gonna have enough. So I wasn't particularly worried. So anyway, when they went to fill out the first one, they were like, I guess they pre reached out to Fidelity and said, Hey, you don't have any funds in this account. I said, Yeah, that's fine. Just use this one. And they said, Well, you need to send a statement, because the last statement, there isn't enough money in there. I said, No, no, no problem here, you happy to send you a statement. And of course, because there's enough money in there, you know, fortunately, the fund grew. So then they submitted the form, it got rejected because it didn't have enough info. And then they submitted another form and that one got rejected, because they use the date of separation as the date of valuation. On that date. There wasn't enough money in that fund. Now there is but back then there wasn't I didn't know any of this shit was irrelevant. Spoiler alert, I'm not a fucking lawyer. And the fact that he can't fill his fucking or his people, I'm assuming he can't fill out this form, became my fault. So long story short, I got sued, had to hire a lawyer got a lawyer and we're missing negotiations on how to solve this, you would think the the answer is just fill out the form in a way that would would allow the money to come out. But now they're saying they want the entire fund. Which I'm not gonna get into the details of that. But that's, that's where we're at. And I'm trying to figure out if that's how I'm gonna handle it. But it's been very, very stressful. And initially, I was very, very angry. And here's the kicker. We were getting along her and I pretty well, we actually had dinner together as a family. So that have a long story, maybe, but probably not that long that I can tell it. My youngest daughter's hands, her die. And they live in an apartment. And I thought what were they going to do, they're going to do with that dead hamster and I messaged her and said, hey, you know if she wants to bury here she can. She said, Okay, I'm sure she will. And she did. And then there was plans to come over on her weekend, and we were going to bury the hamster. And it was a Friday night. And the girls come here after school every day. So she always has to pick them up. Which is awesome. Not because I think it's an inconvenience for her. It's just that I get to see my girls every day when I'm when I'm not traveling for work. So she, I'm like yeah, okay, whatever what time and she tells me it's time like okay, so I decided that I'm going to figure out how to feed myself and and see if maybe the girls want something. But I certainly wasn't worried about her. I figured we would just eat and then she'd come over and bring the hamster and then we'd bury it and then they would leave well, when when I went out to do some run some errands or do some shopping. Right before getting some something to eat. I got a text from my oldest daughter that Hey, Mom wants to know if if it's cool. She brings a pizza. I thought well, yeah, sure, whatever. So we literally sat down in my dining room, a dining room we used to sit in many times as a family and we had dinner again as if Family and we were friendly, we're being friendly after that period, not to that point, not then not reconciliation, just friendly. And it was kind of nice. You know, it did. Challenge Me. Feelings did crop up, but nothing debilitating, nothing overwhelming, nothing that I couldn't recognize and put in my filing cabinet, so to speak, like, oh, that feeling is is nostalgia, or whatever, you know, based on all the work that I've done, I'm able to sort of look at all these things and go, Well, what what am I really feeling? What is this? What do I do with this? How do I interpret this? Do the work, that's what I was doing. And so I wasn't missing her in some kind of abnormal way. I still miss her from time to time. And by the way, you know, people, people wonder this all the time or say this all the time? Or, you know, I hear this all the time, do you think you know, Will? I will I love her forever? Well, I'm always miss her. I think the answer is yes to certain degrees. And and I think much like life in general, it's a roller coaster, and thus the intensity of you're missing them will change with time. I don't think that changes with getting yourself in a new relationship. I'm in fact, I'm sure of it.
And I won't, I won't go into details. But I just I can tell you that I've talked to people that have been separated, or divorced for a very long time with a new spouse, but still have on occasion these feelings because they don't just go away. And I don't I don't know about the other side that makes the decision. But I am sure that people that get left. We we for whatever reason. And it's very strange to me, and I want to interview somebody about this. I find it very weird that we're as humans were negatively biased, we're always looking at the negative. And that's what kept us alive for as long as we've been able to survive as humans. But boy, when we go through a divorce, separation breakup, and we're the ones that were left, we don't see the negative in that other person. And I It baffles me as to why I wish I could answer that that question. So I'd really like to have somebody on I could speak to it. But anyway, so so we were we were we were doing well. We were friendly. And then this came about and I thought, you know, why don't you just fire this guy. And we'll figure it out. And that's that's, I mean, it's a court order. I have no intention of skirting the court order. We'll figure it out. I think it's a simple fucking form. It's got to be able to be filled out in such a way that that it works, and why he can't why he can fill it out now correctly. As long as he's taken all the money. I mean, it's hard not to see that it's hard for me not to be cynical and be like these motherfucking lawyers. But it's also hard for me not to understand how she trust this lawyers. This scumbag he doesn't know her from Adam. The second she can't pay her fucking bill. He's not gonna He's not going to help her. So abolish it does bother me, it annoys me. But ultimately, what do we say all the time. And this is something that sometimes I wonder if sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna run out of shit to say. But this is one that I say all the time. We can only control ourselves. So I can't control what she's thinking what she's doing, why she's doing I don't know what her deal is. I don't know why she insists on doing it this way. I don't know why the child support isn't that much. She's not making that much. Maybe her parents are helping her out. Maybe she's got a giant nest egg. I will say that the 13 Grand that I gave her. She gave me a hard time about the timeliness of it because she said she said she had to pay her lawyer. So you know, take that with a grain of salt in terms of like Anna, is that true? I don't know. But I don't think she had my point is I don't think she has endless fun. So why why go down this road? I know I paid. So I don't know if I said this. I had a I had Yeah, I didn't. So I had to get a lawyer $195 consultation fee, and then a $1,500 retainer. I don't have any of that just laying around. So I, to my knowledge, she doesn't either. So I'm not sure why we are continuing to go down this path, I sincerely would have found a way to get her that $61,000 I can't be that hard. We just got to change the dates. At least that's my understanding. So that coupled with my job and on a particular day a few weeks ago, I was really going through it. And then on top of that my boss and I had an argument he screamed at me and I hung up on him and I it was the worst day I've had in a long time. But what what did I do? How did I handle it? Well, first of all, I felt that I cried. I felt just distraught and sad and frustrated. I felt angry, but I got it. I gotta tell you, I really gotta stress this. Our anger generally is not real. It's just covering because we've been conditioned for so many years of our lives to not express anything but anger. That really when you when you take a look at your emotion and particularly when you take a look at your anger and go what am I really feeling here, and then you can go I'm just really hurt that she doesn't trust me Me are that you trust this lawyer more than me. I get you don't love me you don't want to be with me and that's fine but you don't trust me you trust the guy who has his motivation is to get money out of you. You trust that guy more that that made me angry but what it was really about was was hurt you hurt me now when I when I can drill down on that feeling I can I can they say name attainment, right, I can acknowledge it. That's my feeling. It's actually that I'm hurt. It's really hurtful that she would do this, why wouldn't she? Believe me? Why didn't she trust me? Well, it doesn't really matter because I can't control her and I can't figure out her and I can't get inside her brain to figure it out. It's hurtful period. And then you can feel that hurt. And then you can you can get over it. When you stay angry. You can't. There's no movement, there's just anger. There's just rumination and anger, and being bitter and pissed off. And just it clouds everything else in your life. I am keenly aware that the other path, the path that I take is harder in some ways. It's really hard to really look at your pains and acknowledge them and feel feel them. And because there's nothing you can do about those either. But with anger, you can you can, you can just continue to be angry. And that's your action on mad, right, you're being mad, but you don't actually solve anything. Because you don't actually get to the root of the problem. Getting through the problem allows you to deal with it in a way that can allow you to move on and go yep, that was very, very hurtful. And I don't know why she would do that. But it fucking hurts. Versus that fucking bitch. She's fucking worthless, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm angry and angry and angry that nothing good comes of that. And you can the danger is that can spill out to other areas of your life. And that's probably why my boss and I had an argument. Now luckily, I had enough sense to hold a boundary, because I'm a grown man and you are not going to scream at me. So I held my boundary and I hung up on that moniker. We're fine now. He's going through some shit to not divorce. It's some other stuff. But because I was able to to deal with the pain as it was in not me. I turned it to anger for a little bit. I'm not perfect, man. I have bad thoughts, but I'm really good at catching them. I have anger. But I'm really good at dissecting and figuring out what it really is. And unless it's a really a fight situation where I'm fighting for my life, and then it's not a true emotion. But I call people I cried, I journaled. I did a meditation, I took walks, I did all the fucking things, and I was fine. My bad day did not become bad days. And I'm not saying that means I have all the answers. I don't have the fucking answers, man. Maybe I'm repeating myself because I tend to do that. But in episode one, I said, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I said that under the context of podcasting, but in life in general, I don't know what I'm doing, man. I'm doing my best. I think I've come up with some things that help. I think I'm better than some folks that stay stuck and either being bitter, pissed off and angry or just longing and missing and idolizing this person that that left you. I don't do those things. But I do have bad days. I do have emotions. I have feelings. I don't have all the fucking answers, but, but I do have perseverance, and the desire to be better, to get better. Because I think this is an opportunity. If we don't learn how to deal with these emotions, and that doesn't mean control them. It means manage them, manage them in a way that becomes you can process them you can you can make them palatable and deal with them, and then move on from them. So that you don't have a bad life. You're still going to have bad moments, man, you're still going to have bad days sometimes. But if you do some work those days don't turn into weeks to months to years to life. But it's not easy. It's hard and sometimes I wonder if I'm being honest. How many men out there have the appetite and not I'm not this doesn't I say this I do this shit all the time someone Adam pointed this out to me and I am going to download it all the footage off my camera. I gotta combine all the I'm going to start editing soon ish Sunday, all the roadtrip footage, but Adam pointed this out to me. It was my stop at Tennessee Did you you're always trying to justify who you are and what you do and you don't need to, but that's just who I am. So I'm not perfect. I'm coming from a place of of genuineness, at least I'm trying to, you know, and sometimes I think that that being that way, being vulnerable, being open is not going to attract other men. And I don't mean a fucking gateway. Um, you know what I'm saying? I just I don't know how many. My point was. I don't think I'm special. But I don't know how many men out there have the appetite that I do. There are some obviously if you're listening, I think you're a little bit in that realm. But you know, how do I? How do I find those men that are trying to? I'm thinking out loud and asking out loud, maybe I'm asking you out there? How do I find men that are that have the same appetite for growth that I do? How many, how many men out there are more interested in trying to be and do better with our emotions and our feelings? Rather than trying to get into the next relationship to feel validated? How many, how many men out there are able to hold off on external validation to do work on themselves? And I don't know. And I'm not saying this because, again, here I am calling myself because I haven't. I'm not rich and famous via coaching in this podcast, I'm saying this because I don't, I don't see it. I don't see it. You know, I've had I've been fortunate to have
I think it's 12 different men sign up for my program. And it's been great, but it's been four or five months since I've had any interest. I've had some people that have shown interest, and then they don't show up for their call that they book or it's fairly obvious once they do jump on a call that just just want to talk with me. Which is, in some ways. I mean, obviously, I find it kind of weird, because who the fuck am i but also think how sad like I think as men, I think we're so good. And I was looking at this the other day. What I was gonna say is I think we're so goddamn lonely. And we're so uncomfortable with being uncomfortable that we would rather avoid it. And what do I mean by that? So so if you, if you reach out to me, and you want to talk to me, obviously, we're on the same wavelength. You've been through what I've been through, and we can talk about that. And it's clear and obvious to you, I'm not going to judge you if you cry to me, or if or if you bitch about your ex and what happened and all this, we get I get it, we're we're simpatico, right. And so that that's that's sort of an easy one. But to sign up for meet up and go hiking with a group of people. I think us men are much more comfortable with just staying inside, sitting in our feelings, trying to figure them out. Thinking ourselves to death, ruminating, rather than putting ourselves out there rather than feeling the pain rather than dealing with it and then try and go and deal with loneliness in another way as well. You know, it's sort of the same thing where we don't want to face our pain, we don't want to face our loneliness. Because if we go if we face our loneliness, I mean, face it, I should say, we don't want to do anything about it. Because if we do anything about it, and then we get rejected, it really fucking hurts. Like, let's say, you decide, Alright, fuck it, I'm gonna I'm going to meet up and I'm gonna sign up for for a hike for a hiking group. And you go out to the hiking group, and it's just you get weird vibes. You get rejected in a weird way or you make a joke. Nobody laughs or whatever, you're gonna feel like shit. You're just gonna gonna compound it and maybe that's what's what's preventing us man from doing these types of things. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. Again, I don't want the fuck I'm doing man. I I'm really trying to help but I just, you know, sometimes I don't feel like sometimes I don't feel like I can figure it out myself. And other times I feel like I don't know if there are enough men out there that want help. And I really mean that I don't and it's again, I'm not saying it for any other reason than it's what I think I see. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the I don't know how many of you I mean, obviously there's more than 1000 that follow although, how many of you actually listen, I I follow I follow some podcasts that I haven't listened to in quite a long time. So average listeners I don't know how many of you there are it's obviously I was gonna make this point. Sorry I got off track talking about like my look at the stats. I was looking at him the other day and I try not to do this because at the end of the day I just want to express myself and hope that I connect with people and if if there are some episodes that don't ring true to people or a lot of people I don't know that I give a shit because it rang true to me like like setting a budget is one of the the lower listens that I have. I don't understand why I'm really fucking bad at it. I need to go listen to that episode again and try and figure it out. Because it is important to be able to do that. But that's a low low listened to episode, but I'm gonna have her on again, I'm pretty sure because she's the one who was helping me a little bit with what I'm going through now. She's a financial person. Hopefully she can speak to some of these. These legalese languages you're not a lawyer, but she's a divorce financial analyst and CPA and all that good shit. Until I'm definitely gonna have her back on but I'll take I'll take any kind of knowledge I can get but I don't look at it. Episodes and go you know this oh I shouldn't do this one again I shouldn't do that one I don't I'm gonna do what interests me so but my I'm not sure what my final point was I think I got last minute thoughts but I think I think my point was I was looking at the stats and I noticed one thing that stood out some soul episodes aren't well listened to and I understand that I I don't think that's why some are so I don't think that's why I don't like solo episodes I don't know why it's it's sometimes makes me very uncomfortable I'd rather interview somebody I'd rather give you knowledge from an expert on you know I'm just a dude and it's fun basement in Pennsylvania I don't know if I'm I don't know anyway, but I did notice that the one of the most one of the more listens to more listened to. Clearly I was not a good English student. I'm one of the more listen listened to episodes. Recently was my solo one more I just mentioned loneliness. I just it's just in the title. I think it's updates and loneliness or something like that. And that one is listened to and that it says a couple of things. Well, it says one thing to me for sure. It screams something at me and that is we're really fucking lonely out there. And I am too sometimes, you know, I went from having a full house a family and tonight's Thursday night. I don't have a family. No one's here. Three cats. Yes, I got cats. People asked me I'll tell you I'll tell you'd be a dog guy. I love dogs too. I used to have one. I mean I've had many over the years but unfortunately with the travel that I do, having a dog just just it's not wouldn't be fair to the dog. So I have cats but but nobody's here. And you know I could go to my buddy Mike's and I might still after I finished recording this watching football, or am I just hanging out here? I guess it's got so much shit to do with his house but I can choose to do something about it. If I am lonely, I can do something about it. I can go out to dinner by myself and sit at a bar and talk to the bartender it's it's something it's somebody it's someone and maybe someone will sit down next to you and they'll start talking or you know or near you or whatever at the bar you know you can go on hikes you can go to movies, you you can join meetup groups, you know, it perhaps the failing of the horsemen's network was that the focus was on divorce. And maybe we just don't want to talk about shit. I think we should but I mean, I think there's a lot of things that should happen in this world. But unfortunately, I I'm not. I'm not in charge. So it's not up to me. But perhaps that was the failing of it was was there wasn't enough focus on where there was just too much focus on divorce and people don't want to get together and talk about it. And so don't go do something else go go find you do have an opportunity to find out what kind of shit Do I like and I know some stuff costs money, don't get me wrong, I understand that. But that doesn't it shouldn't prevent you from from trying new things doing things there are things you can do that are free again, there's a lot of there is meetup groups there is hiking, there is bike riding, there's definitely jogging, running, running clubs, you know, there are definitely things that that you can do to get yourself out there. This is what I know for sure. You can't solve the problem of loneliness if you don't take action. And in fact, you can't solve any fucking problem without taking action. So identify what the problem is this loneliness and then do something about it. And I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better make us comfortable with with going out and putting ourselves out there. But you know, some of these again, I wonder, Am I going to run out? Sure to say but some of these cliches ring true, right? You know, you're not going to gain anything without effort, you know, no pain, no gain type of shit, you know, no, nothing will be accomplished without actions. Action and effort is what's going to get you out of any situation. And sometimes that action is thinking but it it's sometimes it's it's deciding to go to meetup.com and find a local hiking group near you and just fucking go hiking. And I know that you might see couples there and put, man if we don't face these things, we're never going to move forward. If we don't put ourselves in situations that sometimes are going to be painful, then we're going to stay stuck and locked away in a life that we don't like. And we don't we're never going to know what the other side is. We're never going to know and I'm not talking about going out and finding a new partner. I'm talking about just just going out and finding your fucking self man. Because it is an opportunity again, I know a repeat feel like I repeat myself a lot but that's the fucking truth. Well, truth is, nothing changes. Nothing changes again, another cliche or quote rings true. If we put in no effort or no work, nothing will change, nothing will be accomplished, everything will stay the same. So I think that's all I got for this, I, I go back and forth a lot on, I want to do more episodes on my coaching program, I want to do an episode on weeks two and three, because there's they're very not similar, but they're, they're intertwined or they build off each other. I'd like to do some other other episodes on some other things. And I'm just I, right now work is crazy. And I got a lot of travel coming up. I just have to make the effort to book things and just hope that they work out. And hope that I don't have to cancel on people.
I, there are days, if I'm being honest with you, there are days when I don't want to do this anymore. There are. But there are other days and I feel like my work is not done, I have so much more to cover so much more to so many more people to reach. I don't know how to do that part. And so maybe you can help me maybe you could make sure you're leaving reviews, liking, subscribing following doing all that shit, I hear that it helps. I know it helps my ego. I assume that it helps people see it. I assume algorithms algorithms, however, with Bucky say that word, maybe it's two different words I'm not even sure is affected by you know, the more people it's a fucked up system. In some ways, like the more people that see it, the more people will see it. The Facebook group is kind of like that, we get a lot of men joining our Facebook group, because there's a lot of men in the Facebook group. Obviously, if you had a choice between a group of 7000 Man or seven, which fucking want to choose, and maybe you'll choose both, but you're probably gonna go with one that has more. And so I sort of get it's human nature. And so maybe these maybe these actions, if you can take them will help. I don't know, I have no fucking idea. I know that longevity is a part of success. And I know that lately, I haven't been pumping these things out. And that's probably also hurting me, because my numbers are definitely way down. But I had to take care of myself. And sometimes I'll wrap up with this. I'll say this, you know, that that week that I took a social media break. i The only thing I did was I interviewed Elise, that was during my break. I interviewed her on a Friday afternoon I started my break I think on a Wednesday, and I took complete break i for for seven days or there abouts. We have seven seven days. For the first day or two I didn't on an I uninstalled Facebook, Facebook Messenger anything social media except for tick tock and then I found myself going down tick tock rabbit holes and I was like fuck this. And I got rid of tick tock as well now uninstall everything in for seven days, maybe, you know, minus the Tick Tock stuff. But I will say seven days. I didn't I didn't fuck with any of this stuff with any podcast, any any of the Facebook support groups, nothing. And I still had a really bad it was I think it was a Monday. And I had a really, really bad day. Not as bad as the the one I mentioned earlier, but I had a bad day. And it was good because it made me realize it wasn't this stuff. You know, I felt like for a while I felt like well, maybe if I just get rid of this stuff. And so I did that right. I got rid of this stuff for a week. I know a week isn't very long, but I didn't look at Facebook. I didn't I didn't worry about anything. I didn't answer messages I didn't. And I still had a rough day. And it made me realize that it's not this stuff. And so there is more positive that comes from this than negative. I just had to figure out I think either one I needed a new fucking job. Which I might I don't know. I really need to. I don't know. Yeah, I'm struggling with do I need to learn how to better handle the stresses of the job? Or do I need a new job? I will say this is the most stress I've ever had with the job. I had a moment in time that two jobs ago the job that she when she left me I was at I had moments of very very stressful moments but I also had my family intact and I also wasn't trying to do all these things and cooking and cleaning and poorly by the way not not the cooking. I'm not a bad cook but the cleaning, taking care of the kids. I think I do pretty well tap and all those other stresses in I can't get rid of those. Right but I could get rid of this stuff. And then also looking at it and thinking, Well, is it really helping? And I promise you, that's not for you to reach out and say it is. I know that it helps. But there's a part of me going, how many is it helping is, is the juice worth the squeeze? is all the stuff that I'm doing really making an effort or making it making a difference? And don't get me wrong? I think it has. I'm very proud of what I've been able to do here. Although, I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I I know some of y'all gonna yell at me, because I'm a fucking nobody. I mean, you look at the numbers, you go to the YouTube. I mean, I know YouTube's hasn't even been out a year. I don't do any advertisements. I did do an advertising for my coaching program on on Facebook, and I got zero out of it. But I don't do any big advertising. I'm not rich and famous. So in some ways, you know, I mean, the podcast numbers are decent, I guess. But I'm I have, it's not paying any bills. In fact, it's costing me money to be to be quite honest with you. And I, because of my I said I was gonna wrap up. I've talked a lot. I will I will here in a minute. Because of my sort of pulling back, my numbers have nosedive, you know, I went from around 4000 4000 downloads a month, to about 2000. My understanding is, for the most part, you need about 10,000 a month to get any kind of sponsorships. So I wasn't even to half of that. And so, I guess my point is, and I never really expected to I don't know what I expected from it's just to help honestly, that's all I wanted to do was trying to provide a resource and just help. But I guess maybe there was a part of me that that hoped. I mean, I wasn't putting all my eggs in his basket. I wasn't thinking like, Oh, I'm gonna sort of podcasting and that'll be my job. I don't I don't think I've ever had that thought. But at least I was hoping. I don't know. I don't know, is what I was hoping. I don't know. But I know that. Sometimes I wonder if, if, if it's all worth it. I think I've probably said this before, and I'm probably selling I'm whining, but I'm really not. I'm just trying to be honest with you. And say sometimes I look at this and I go, I don't know, man, am I am I really? Am I making a difference? I think I am. Is it is it enough of a difference to to do keep doing?
I don't know. I don't have any intention of quitting. And I promise you this isn't I mean, I think about it. But I don't this is not some like please tell me that you want me to keep doing I promise you it's not that. I mean, I've said this many times you want to reach out and say nice things. That's awesome. I appreciate it. But I don't I don't it didn't make me uncomfortable anyway. But I mean, I do like them, but it does make me uncomfortable. But that's not why I'm doing this. I'm trying just trying to be honest. And say I don't I don't know if you know there's a whole whole cliche. Oh, if I help just one person. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Anybody if I can say one life, that's awesome. But how is the juice worth the squeeze? And I'm not saying one life isn't enough. But I'm not sure that I'm saving any lives. I mean, I know people sometimes people say that. And I really wish you wouldn't unless it's absolutely true. Unless, unless you're you had a fucking gun in your mouth. And then you put on this episode or any episode, not this one. Maybe. But any episode and you found some hope that then okay, then then that's true. If I just helped you through it, that's awesome, too. But that's not saving your life. And so I don't know that I'm saving lives. And again, I'm not looking for that confirmation. I'm really not. Although, you know, I mean, maybe if I got that more often, maybe I can't I'm not asking for the toe. I don't know if I can point is, I should probably just wrap up because I feel like at this point, I'm fucking rambling. I do want to thank you, all of you that do listen, because it's clear to me. There are people listening, even even as soon as I release an episode, it's usually 100 People in within 24 hours of listening. That's, that's nothing compared to somebody rich and famous. But that's still 100 Fucking people. If I 100 people at my house, that'd be a big fucking party. So I appreciate it. I do wholeheartedly I'm not sure if any of you are going to make it to the end of this one. Because it's I feel like I'm whining and ranting but I think it's, I think it's good and healthy to do so. But I do expect there are times when I release these things, and I expect all of my followers to just disappear. People are just gonna like fuck this guy. I just I don't and I don't think it's, I mean, sometimes Scott gets on my ass about you know, you know, not not on my ass but he'll he'll, you know, you know, essentially tell me I I gotta believe in myself more. I'm I'm paraphrasing, but it's not that I don't know that I don't believe in myself. I believe that I have. I'm a fairly intelligent fellow, I believe that I work hard. Mostly, I believe that I'm an okay, father, I believe I don't blindly think I'm a bad person. But I do sometimes go, who the fuck am I? Why is anybody that listened to me? And I guess the answer is because I'm, I'm, I'm living through it. And I'm putting myself out there in hopes that maybe you guys, maybe maybe you will hear it and it'll make you feel less alone and hopeful. Because, despite all the shit that I've been going through, and despite the divorce, and despite the harsh shit and a shitty childhood, I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. And unfortunately, we all know that not everybody can say that. And so perhaps that I'm offering more than I think, I don't know. So anyway, I think that's it. I'm appreciative of all of you sincerely. I hope that I can continue this in a way that continues to help hope that I can get back on track with interviewing. I do intend to get back on track with doing episodes about my coaching program, because I do think it's a good program. It's not going to fix you. And it's not going to make your life perfect lollipops and fucking rainbows, but it will help you and give you tools and people surrounding you to help you. So as much as that wasn't intended to be sort of a sales pitch or whatever, if you're interested hit me up. There's two ways or as many ways Rising Phoenix podcast 2020 at gmail or Rising Phoenix divorce coach at Gmail, I would love to help you. And I would love to get you involved and get you around guys that are going through or have gone through the same things you are and to ensure to guarantee that you're going to come out the other side of this shit show better than before. That's it. That's all I got. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other much love. Thank you so much for watching and or listening. Since my separation in July of 2019, I have done an incredible amount of work on myself. I've had many different therapists, life coaches and went through different programs. I've taken all that I've learned and put it into my own program called forged by fire. If you are interested in having me help navigate your divorce, please visit my website Rising Phoenix divorce coach.com. I look forward to working with you