Episode 114 – Regrets – Solo

Michael 0:20
Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 114. It's going to be another solo one, despite my whining complaining on 113. Here I am again. But I have an actual topic that I really kind of wanted to cover. It's been on my mind for a little while, and I wanted to make sure that I got it out as it was, for whatever reason. Well, I'll get to maybe why, but it was really hitting me today. I don't know what came over me exactly. But it just kept thinking about this particular topic. And that is regrets. And I'll get to that topic in a minute. But I do want to want to address 113 and just say, first of all, thanks. To those of you that did reach out, I do appreciate it. I mean, I do like it, it's just it's also does make me feel uncomfortable if I'm being honest. And I think that's because compliments go up against maybe my inner child, or maybe the me I owe that I was raised in a way that I was basically taught that, you know, in a lot of ways that I was, you know, not I had no worth and so compliments are weird for me. I think I think that's what it is, you know, really trying to examine it and I mean, do I want them Do I like them, of course. But also, I can tell you that I read one and responded and then I and that's in a Discord server. And then I didn't. I saw some others come in and it took me a couple days and some of them I still haven't even read because it does make me uncomfortable. But it's not. It's not that I don't like it. I just I think it's because it's max up against I think my inner child if I'm being honest. I know that sounds. I don't know what it sounds like, but I think that's the truth. And so, I do appreciate those of you that have reached out I do. I hesitate to say this, but I do apologize a little bit for for complaining. But I think transparency is important. And I'm not trying to I'm not trying to like threaten like, Oh, if you don't I don't get the right responses or, or whatever I'm done. That's that's certainly not the fucking case. At Like, at all. I just there are certain moments in time where I'm just, I'm a human fucking being and I think maybe I'm wrong here but I think people like Jocko the rock. Kevin Hart, maybe you could throw him in there because I know Kevin Hart's a funny dude. But he also says some inspirational shit. You know, Trent Shelton, I think I think these people are inspiring Gary Vee even. But I think that they say that they would never have a bad day or that they never have a bad day, I think is fucking bullshit. I think life kicks you in the balls, no matter who the fuck you are. And I think you're, you're I think bad days are inevitable. And so I think perhaps my hope is that sharing this stuff with you allows you to see that yes, I have bad moments. I have bad days, they have almost nothing to do with divorce and in a way, sort of peanuts. It's always sort of infiltrating and permeating every fucking thing in my life. But there are things that happen that have nothing to do with that, that really caused stress. And I think it's important to I think it's important to give people the space to have shitty days and say yeah, it's okay to have a shitty day. In fact, it's normal to have a shitty day. You know, it's it's something as silly as if it never rains. How can we appreciate the sign days? That that is so fucking true? Nobody likes rainy days. Well, I guess maybe some people do but I don't like rain. I'd rather have sunshine all the fucking time but that's just that would probably be boring, I would guess. I don't know. I don't live in the tropics. So but even those people you know get hit with fucking hurricane. So I think that while it is uncomfortable and maybe sounds whiny and certainly feels why I can assure you. I think it's good. Ultimately, for me to express myself. And by the way, as far as I can tell nobody, nobody unfollowed or unsubscribe. So thank you, and I do appreciate everybody, man. And those of you that are listening just hoping for my inevitable downfall. I just, I think you provide me some fuel to. I'll touch on this just briefly someone, some was in our divorce support for men, which I did rebrand to a Rising Phoenix group, Phoenix Rising. And someone I guess, took umbrage with me doing that because they don't care for me, I guess my podcast. And that's fine. I'm, I'm, I'm aware of that. I'm aware that I am not a red pill guy that is going to tell you that it's all their fault. Or that it's there. They're all narcissist, and you're doomed. Just that's, that's not my bag, man. And so I know that people don't want to hear that they'd rather hear the other side of that. I think it's, I think it's the other side. I don't know if it directly opposite, but it certainly seems that way. But it's not also it's not. I shouldn't say side because they're their their side essentially, is that women are, they're gonna fuck you no matter what their hypergamy is, right? My side is Yeah, we had our yes, they suck in some ways, but we had our own contributions to it. And we really need to focus on that, because that's the only part of it that we can do anything about. So maybe we're not exactly opposite. But But I get that I'm not giving you the message that you some of you want to hear. Well, actually, you're probably not fucking listening. You probably listen to one episode. And we're like, Fuck this. I want someone to tell me it's not my fault. And I'm not saying it is all your fault, or all anyone's fault. It's not even all their fault. Relationships are hard, man. Life is hard. So anyway, so why did I jump on? What is the purpose of this particular episode? And I don't know if I mentioned it, because I've just been rambling. But the purpose of this episode is to talk about regrets. And I'm going to this one is going to be a personal one for me, because I'm going to try and cover some of my personal regrets. Because they exist. And to say that they don't is just, I think, a lie. We all have regrets. Now. There's nothing and I'll get to sort of what do I do about these things? I'll get to that. But let's first dive in. And a lot of my regrets came early in the relationship so I was with someone for about a year and a half. So I'll give you a little bit of a brief dating history of Michael Rhodes if you're fucking interested, I guess you can fast forward. I don't know how long it's gonna take. So I did not did anybody in high school. I had long hair. I was chubby. Or I I was awkward, tall. I was always the tallest kid. So that and I hunched over because I hated being so tall in some ways. Now. I fucking love it. But so I didn't date I didn't go I went to I didn't go to my prom. I went to another school's prom. Someone asked me some some chick asked me. But that was just because the monster group of people that I knew that was actually Catholic school prom. Not all girls. It was a COVID Dylan Catholic, for those of you out there that give a shit. So I was not a ladies, man by any stretch of imagination. I had sort of a girlfriend around. I want to say I was 19 or 20. And then I joined the Navy. And then my whole life changed. I mean, the competence, the weight loss, the obviously you can't have long hair. The discipline, the pride changed my life is one of the best things I've ever done. If not the best, potentially, I think it's it's safe to say it's in the running for one of the best things I've ever done. And, and from that point on, of course, you know, I was a little bit more attracted to the ladies. And so I had a decent amount of success and but I had one steady girlfriend. Once I got to my duty station in New Orleans. Yes, I spent three years in New Orleans, Louisiana. I fucking love that city. So very much. I lived on the West Bank, which is the opposite of sort of downtown Bourbon Street and all that shit French Quarter that's on the east bank in the Mississippi River. The base that I was stationed at was on the West Bank, and I lived on the West Bank. And I had a great time but I also had a steady girlfriend for most of it. We broke up, I think once for a few three weeks or so and then got back together. And then my dad got cancer and that kind of it was in the middle of my tour. I did my four years. It was in the middle of that my dad died. And so that sort of set up a series of events where eventually I just I went home. But I did at least I got near home I moved to Towson Maryland and was about Coulson's about an hour I guess or so from my hometown. So it was closer to home. I sort of felt odd Get in some ways. I had two younger brothers, although estranged, I guess is the right word from the middle brother, I was the oldest. And I felt sort of obligated to the little guy, although, you know, it was a lot to ask of a Gosh, how a 24 year old to sort of be a surrogate father or whatever.

Michael 10:20
I didn't do it very well. But anyway, so when I say long story, another story. When I when I left, I left her in New Orleans. And then two months later, she got pregnant with some other dude, we were still talking and it was very much a, it's your going to come up? I don't know. And that was sort of me being wishy washy and unsure. I think that's kind of the story of my life, I sometimes find it hard to tell, it's kind of like what I'm going through now. I mean, I don't have any intention of quitting. But boy, sometimes I feel like it's so I say those things. And that's kind of what I do. Like, I don't keep much insight, which I think is a good thing. But also, sometimes I can, I think I have a tendency to sort of not be able to make up my mind, you know. And but I mean, there are a lot worse things, a lot worse qualities that people can have. So if nothing else, I'm self aware. So anyway, so she wound up pregnant and so that didn't work out, obviously. And then I got another girlfriend and we lived together. For about a year. I think we were together for about a half a year. And then she moved in with me. And when did together for about a year I bought a house, she did not move with me when I bought the house. That was a tough breakup for me. And then I think four months, it was too quick. Honestly, four months later, I met my now ex wife. I was not into her at first so much. You know, she was sort of more into me. I was very standoffish, very protective of myself. And and thus I didn't treat her very well, honestly, during the courtship. I'm not sure why she didn't vote. Honestly. I think that's one of the things that she leaned on at the end. But eventually, we did become boyfriend, girlfriend. And then I actually I moved away for a job that we stayed together. And then shortly after so, so I had a house, I bought a house. And then a year later, I got this other job out in New Jersey. So I moved. And then we stayed together. But I lost that job after, I want to say four months, something like that, but my house was rented out. And so I didn't have anywhere to go. I could have potentially live with my mother, but that wouldn't have been a good thing. You know, see my earlier comments on his estranged brother. Again, another another episode another time perhaps. And so I moved in with her and it was not very good. In terms of we just didn't get along. She was very clingy. I felt smothered. It was my avoidant attachment, and her anxious interacting, but boy was the sex really, really good. And she was a sweet girl she was i and then eventually we I got my house back and she moved in with me and and I want to say a year later or something like that I proposed. And then probably for the first five years, and this is where all I'm going to try and be as honest as I can. And it's going to be tough though. I'm going to try and cover some specific regrets. And the first of those is, if I'm being honest, I put my hands on her twice. Before we're married it's hard it's hard to say a lot. I slapped her twice. Not at not at the same time as two separate incidences. It was a bitch move. I was a bitch. Sorry, to anyone out there that's offended by the use of the word pitch. I think the more importantly, she'd be offended by my actions and I but I knew and she was she's a tiny little girl and I didn't like I mean, I'm not trying to defend myself here. But you know, there wasn't, like, bruises or anything of that nature. It was wrong. Don't get me wrong, but I didn't put her in a hospital or anything like that. But I knew after the second time I was like, This is not cool, dude, you gotta fucking you gotta fix this shit. And I think you know, honestly, I was really just mad at the world and I think I took it out on her we I really treated her like shit. For the first I would say five years. I actually had sex with a stripper. This is all before we got married. So I was a shitty fucking boyfriend. And honestly, I was a shooting husband. I wish I could go back and do it all over again because like I said she used some of that stuff for fuel really You know, she never forgot those things. And, and I, I can't say that I blame her in some regards. You know, I felt like I'd made up for it. I never touched her again, including at the end when she got in my face, because she wanted me to, I think I'm pretty sure she did. I mean, she stepped to me, and she's 5462. So she said, What are you going to do? Because I was like, uh, you need to get on my face, or let you need to leave me alone or something like that. And she's like, What are you going to do is like, Well, I'm gonna leave and I left. But you know, so I did work on my son. I've always been a guy. That was it, I'd say at once I joined the Navy. And after my dad died, I've always been interested in growth and trying to be better. And because I think there's a part of me that always knows I could do better, you know, I could, I could, I could not get angry. Or I could, I could handle things better or differently or whatever. I mean, there's just, I'm not perfect, and no one is. And so if you're not perfect, then you have things to work on. And maybe this also taps into a little bit of like, sort of my self esteem stuff. Like I feel like I have a decent self esteem but but maybe this appetite for growth is really sort of a call back to again, my childhood, my inner child where I don't feel like I'm good enough. I don't I feel like that's it that that is true about me. And if I'm being honest, it probably is. But it's a very deep part of me, it's not a surface level thing. On the surface level. I feel pretty fucking good about myself. I mean, I served my country. I have two degrees, I make six figures do well, although six figures doesn't go as far as I used to. And child support sucks balls, but but I've had some really good accomplishments in my life and my career. And so on the surface, I feel good about who I am. I started this fucking podcast and those of you out there listening that don't like me, where's your fucking podcast? Yeah, you know, I think I lean on that. I think it's a Churchill quote, like, you know, the Man in the Arena. Least I'm in the fucking arena. And so I'm there are parts of me that again, that's the same sort of duality, Slipknot referenced there. And by the way, I got a bit of a Corey Taylor story, but maybe another time. I sort of kind of met him, but not really, it's a long story anyway. And he's not. He's not booked on the podcast yet. But dammit, I'm not giving up but anyway. So I don't, I don't think that I don't. On the surface, I think I had self esteem. And I do like myself, obviously, I'm putting myself out here. I got there's got to be some sort of esteem for me to do this kind of fucking thing. But also, I think there's a part of me that that is, you know, the inner child is sort of wounded and and I haven't figured out how to fix that yet. So anyway, so I'm getting off track. Let me go back to my regrets. Clearly those things that I mentioned, but I also not not only those stupid things, you know, being a stripper, I party, man, I I managed local bands. I was out of bars. Every weekend. I didn't spend time with her. I treated her like shit. Honestly, it it all change. Obviously, once we had the kid, it's such a cliche thing, but I wish I would have fucking grown up sooner. Because she didn't deserve any of that shit. She was a really sweet girl. And, and I behaved like a child like a bitch in some cases, but certainly like a child like a large child who, when he didn't get his own way would throw fits and treat people like shit. And, and I guess, you know, she tolerated it because of her issues. Right? Clearly, I mean, I can't speak for her. I'm not trying to speak for her. But God, do I have those regrets. And then, you know, moving forward, you know, I the regrets are once once we had our first child, I mean, the regrets are few and further further and farther between is that I think that's the right way to say I don't have as many I can't think of as many moments or instances only really one well, so one up until this one up until she sort of told me she wanted to divorce so and this probably contributed to the divorce honestly, we were at a party at her brother's house. And I was drinking. And her brother was kind of a dick to me and I again, I threw a fit like a child and I sort of took it out on her and I yelled at her in front of bunch of people. I'm embarrassed to show her and I think I broke her fucking heart because it was her she hurt. She's my ex wife does not have many friends, if any But she's fairly close with her family. And I think I broke her fucking heart when I did that. And, and I think she was going through some other shit. I do think midlife crisis was a factor in this for sure. I'm trying to think of those any other regrets, but I can't.

Michael 20:22
I can't think of any, because I really honestly feel like we had a decent, I will say maybe when we would discuss finances, again, I didn't have the ability to, like have these difficult conversations, or I took everything very personal. I'm a very emotional guy. And obviously, and, and I think I take things very, very personally when you know, and I'm, I shouldn't say I'm trying to be better at that, because I think it's important to feel and to, to, I think take things personal. I mean, to a degree, I mean, obviously, you you have to have can't have your skin can't be thin all the time. But I think knowing who you are, and having boundaries can protect you if you are a sensitive or emotional person. So I don't know that I have, I don't know that I have regrets in terms of that I just I have regrets in terms of how I would handle it. Instead of just speaking about things or trying to understand where they were, she was coming from and just trying to meet a middle ground and and try to you know, just we're on the same fucking team. But sometimes I didn't act like that. And oh, here's another regret cheese. I wish I would have done more around the house. I wish I would have done the cooking. Because you know what, I actually don't even mind cooking. But I will say you know, I mean, my template was my parents and my mom was mostly a stay at home mom, and she did all the cooking and the cleaning. Dad was a truck driver. Sometimes he was gone for weeks at a time that that wasn't often it was kind of rare, but usually he was home almost all weekends. But he didn't fucking cook dinner. I mean, every once in a while he would cook dinner. And I'm sure he did things that I didn't see. I don't remember my father ever doing fucking laundry. Ever. I mean, maybe it happened, but I sure as fuck didn't see it. Or at least not it wasn't, didn't happen often enough for it to be a memory in my mind. And I lived there until I was 18. So anything's possible, I suppose. But that was my template. And so that's kind of what I wish. I wish I would also though, you know, in, in my defense is I don't, I didn't feel like that was an issue. I didn't feel like she expressed that until the end. And so I'll talk about you know, in some some, some folks have asked, you know, do you regret the sexual escapades? And no, I don't have a fucking blast. And I don't. While I think that that was, you know, at the end a contributing factor. I don't think it was the contributing factor. And it wouldn't be easy for me to put my fingers at that. But no, I don't regret that. I regret that we didn't have more open dialogue. But that extrapolates out into the rest of the relationship. I do regret how angry I got when I discovered that she was lying. And I don't know if she's seeing the guy behind my back. But she was after she told me she was gonna stop seeing them. She still stopped talking to him. She did not. And I regret how angry I got, again, it goes back to the inability or the lack of skills and tools to handle and deal with my emotions. I didn't have them I didn't. I didn't have a support system either. And that was by choice in some ways. One of the reasons I think I do like to get on here and express myself is because I didn't do that so much up until the separation occurred. And perhaps if I when when we had these different issues, if I would have went to Chris and say, well how you guys handle this? Maybe I wouldn't fucking be in this mess. So I have regrets. Definitely my anger at the end. And I had I felt I was self righteous man, I felt I was like, you fucking lie to me. And I wasn't wrong. But I used that as a battering ram in a way. And like just I was a total fucking dick. And I still am sometimes I mean, this whole. I'm trying not to be but it's really hard now. Now I think it doesn't. It's not as relevant. I mean, we're not in a relationship. And one of the things that I think is good to remember if you're going through this is that the perks of a relationship, fly out the fucking door when a relationship ends, so I don't have to treat her that listen, I should have done it a long time ago. No lies are being told. But I didn't and I can't go back. But now I don't have to treat her like as if she is my wife anymore. So if I'm a dick sometimes, so fucking be it. I wish that we could get along. But you know what? Stop doing shit. Which is I say that shit out loud it's on me to react in the appropriate way but man, can you just not fucking can we not go back to court? Can we not have lawyers, but I'm not being I shouldn't say I'm not being an open open deck because I am a little bit sometimes lately, but it sucks because it's we're getting along and so my feelings got hurt. And so but I'm also it's all it's also I think a fine line because you want to draw your boundaries you want to take care of yourself and your mental health but you don't have to be a dick to do that all the time. So like I said, in 113 I'm still I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I'm still working on these things, but but I think about all these things and I think about them. I don't know how often but I definitely think about them when I think about particular moments for sure. You know, like at that party I wish I wouldn't have put in Jana, I wish I would have took her to the side and said you brother was really what kind of addict to me and we would have had a good conversation and it would have bonded us would have helped our relationship instead of through a fit like a fucking child. And that's just the fucking truth. But unfortunately, I can't go back, man, I can't. And I suppose you know, there's probably someone out there maybe even me in some corner of my brain going well, you can be nice to her now, man, even if she is talking to you in a way, you could still be nice to her. And I know, I know. It's just man. It's it's hard. But I still avoid her more than I'm addict to her. I want it you know, for I don't know, it's like a week or so where we were friendly. And now we're going back to the way that it was. And that sucks. But it's also you know, I sort of threw in all the olive branch out there and said, Let's not do this with lawyers. And she said no. So you know, I mean, quite frankly, I lawyers are expensive man. And this single income shit is hard. I make good money, and I still feel like I'm fucking broke. It sucks. And it's not just child support. Clearly, that's, you know, it's $1,000 a month. That's a lot of fucking money. I could use them. But everything else is expensive. You know, it's inflation as a motherfucker. And so it's hard for me sometimes to separate some of these events with her actions. I mean, they do tie together, but it also doesn't do me good to stay pissed off and angry. It just doesn't. But boy do I wish I could go back and you know, and I we had this discussion, Jonathan Ryan, and the question was, you know, would you go back and tell yourself to run or tell yourself to grow the fuck up? I honestly Absolutely. Majority of the time. I would tell myself to grow the fuck up. Because she was a good woman. I don't know what happened to her the end. Obviously, I think another dude or a year was a factor. a midlife crisis was a factor. My actions were factors for sure. But you know, I don't also show them perfect though. Like, let's not get fucking crazy. And those of you out there and you're listening, and you're thinking, Yeah, me too. Mine was she was amazing. Yeah, meaning she was a human. So I'm sure that she could be amazing at times, but I'm sure she was also a raging bitch at others because we're that's we're human man. We have faults and we have flaws. But I yeah, I have regrets. But, but again, I you know, I say this all the time. You can't go back. And I probably have repeated this a billion times, but unless fucking dark brown is real. And so the fucking DeLorean with a flux capacitor. Or Elon Musk gets off his ask ask has his thoughts fucking around with Twitter and build a time machine? I can't go back man. I can't, I can't. And so I can sit around and I can I can. I can. And I have these moments. I can sit around and I can go oh, gosh, I wish I wouldn't have done that. I wish I wouldn't have done this or I can go Why did I do that? Why did I do this? And how do I not do that? Again? I can tell you that giving the silent treatment I didn't even really talk about that. I talked about in other episodes, but man that's definitely regret. I wish I would have been honestly I'm gonna say shit out loud. I wish you would have been fucking man enough to have a conversation instead of being No child and shutting down and not talking and standing, stomping my fucking feet like a four year old who got his fucking toy taken. I was not a man. I wasn't. And I'm still working on it. Honestly,

Michael 30:15
it's tough to to this is this is how I survived my childhood. Right? This is conditioned this is who I am. Because I had to be, you know, I didn't have nurturing and love and support. I didn't. I mean, I shouldn't say that. I had some, obviously I'm not a fucking serial killer. I mean, this is knows, as far as I know, you know, but just kidding. I mean, I did okay, right? I did. But it's the emotional shit that I've always struggled. I don't I don't want emotions. I don't want I don't want to deal with him. Except for anger. Because that one's familiar and comfortable. And then the rest I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk at all leaving the fuck alone. Don't Don't Don't Don't tell me your fucking problems I can't deal with yours can't deal with mine. But that's no way to fucking be the son of the adult man. It just isn't. So all I can do all we can do is just be better going forward. If we truly have regrets, don't spend if you do and, of course you fucking do. You're human. You fucked up somewhere along the line. If you have regrets. You can't dwell on the what ifs? What I think you can and should dwell on is why why did I behave like that? And how do I not do that shit again. Because I think I hope someday I will be in another relationship. And I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. But if I don't ever ask myself, why are the reasons behind my actions I'm never going to be able to change and so I think that's all I have. I do sincerely appreciate those of you that have reached out. I didn't do it for that reason. I fucking hate that. i It's funny because I say all the time, you know, reach out, you know, express yourself and then I do it. And I'm like, Ah, fucking yuck. Don't don't reach out to me. That's not why I did it. Because it's a weird thing, man. I really wasn't my intent. Wasn't it isn't? But But, but nice. Things are nice to hear. But boy does it make me there's two messages I haven't even read yet. That guys wrote that are probably super heartfelt and really sweet. And I just put it just makes me I will I will and I will reply. I promise you that. And some I already have gotten some private messages and some discord posts. And I do appreciate a man I really do. And even if you didn't, it's okay to like I appreciate if if if you even had good thoughts, good vibes, sent my way of whatever. Like I said, I don't I don't think I lost any subscribers. Oh, I swear to you, though, when I do episodes like that I always expect to like because it does happen on it's funny because it happens on Apple more than any other Apple fluctuates a lot. In terms of losses and gains I get I get more people from there. But I lose more. From there. I lose almost none from Spotify and Google. I'm sure it happened. Well, it does happen on occasion, but it doesn't really it's not often. I don't know if that's because they're just not as podcast heavy. Like if you're on those platforms, maybe maybe people don't listen as much as as Apple podcast people, if that makes any kind of sense. Like that's, if you're an apple podcast subscriber or whatever, you're probably really a real podcast person, because that's more of a podcast centric thing. I think it's, I could be wrong, but I don't because I don't use apple. Because I won't go into that debate but a lot of people on Apple so I don't want to I don't want to learn how to shoot with Apple people. But I think Apple podcasts is just its own sort of entity, but I guess Google podcasts is too. But I think Spotify? Well, Spotify is Yeah, it's like wrapped up with you know, music and all the other shit that I think they actually do video too. So maybe that's it. I really don't know. It doesn't really fucking matter. But I as far as I can tell, I haven't lost anybody and I don't look every day, but I do look. And I don't look at my numbers every day, but I do look, I used to look at him every day. It's clear to me unfortunately, due to my polling and stepping back, I'm not gonna hit my goal this year 100,000 I'm gonna miss it fairly significantly, whatever significant means to you. My guess I probably missed it by about 15,000 downloads. But that's because I needed to. I needed to stepback so, anyway, I am done. Thank you so much. All of you, those of you that listen, comment, reach out. It is appreciated. I do see the fruits of my labor. I do see the lessons, I think 113. And I'm releasing this one pretty quickly, always. I don't know, it's Sunday night, almost 11pm it will definitely come out sometime within the week of the 18th. I don't know if I'll get it out tonight. But I might, it depends. I really gotta get to sleep because I got an early flight to Chicago tomorrow morning. But within one day was over 100 listens. And I think it's up to 200. I think at this point, you know, within a couple of days, it's pretty fucking cool. Again, it's not Joe Rogan gets, I don't know, 2 million and a couple of days, but I'm not Joe Rogan. So maybe someday. I don't know. I don't think that's the goal. I was thinking earlier. I'll wrap up this. I think I said that earlier. But I promise is I'm gonna wrap up with this. I was thinking about what what is the goal? Like, is it to be famous? No, because what does that mean? And how do you measure that? I don't know. When When I walked on the street if people know who I am recognize me, mate, maybe? I don't think so though. I think the goal. And I really kind of, I did think about this a little bit. And I was thinking what is the goal, right? It's not to make money necessarily, although that would be nice. And then you know, how much and all that and I don't? I mean, it would be nice to be able to equal my salary, but I don't, I don't know if that would ever happen. But I think the goal is to get to that number of 10,000 downloads a month, but I gotta put in more effort. Honestly, I have to so I'm going to try to do that. I don't know under what guys yet. In terms of like, what does that mean? Or what am I going to do? Or I'm going to try to get back to doing one a week. I'm going to try to make sure I'm lining up interviews. And by the way if you are interested in being an assistant I don't know what the fuck I could pay you but someone to help book guests would be fucking awesome. I just I would pay you something I just don't know what it would be maybe maybe per guest maybe 20 bucks every guest you booked for me? I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know if that sounds ridiculous or insulting or awesome. I don't know. I don't know. But it would pan if if you're interested. Just hit me up send me an email send me a Facebook message whatever. However you want to contact me. I think you guys have all the stuff but just in case Rising Phoenix podcast 20 twenty@gmail.com I tried to get the Rising Phoenix podcast email but they were like well how much you're willing to pay I'm like nothing not paying for like an email. It's not come on. I'm not fucking you know, I know I'm not paying you. I said maybe 20 bucks and they didn't respond it. It is it was a it was another podcast I don't know if it still exists if it wasn't called Rising Phoenix it was like the Rising Phoenix or the rising. I think I'm right well, I know what I'm Rising Phoenix podcast, I think I think they were Rising Phoenix but I don't know I really liked the name so I said okay, and there's other like incarnations of like Phoenix Rising and all kinds of other ones and it's fine. I don't I don't really give a shit. I have the.com So I'm cool with it. Anyway, if you're interested reach out and I know maybe you know we can discuss pay I really don't know what I could pay not not a whole hell of a lot of I'm being honest. But maybe something you know something we can figure out something maybe potentially I mean, reach out so Alright, that's all I got. Thank you again. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other. Much love