Episode 108 – Payoff, Road Trippin, and Dropping Knowledge – Solo

In this episode I talk about recent events, an upcoming road trip, and an upcoming class I’m giving.

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Michael 0:00
Hey what's up, gentlemen, this is Rising Phoenix podcast podcast about how to rise up after divorce. I'm your host, divorce coach, Michael Rhodes. Let's get into it. Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 108. Apologies for the delay. As you all know, I think, you know, I've been having some sort of struggles, anxieties in life in general, and that's affected my mental health for sure. But I guess my ability maybe to, I don't know if Dodi's right word, but it's affected me scheduling out. New guests, and that's because I have this anxiety around booking. So I don't know how many folks probably none of you know, this, or maybe a couple a long time ago, I used to manage local bands. And I used to work for a national management firm. And I put on concerts and festivals, small stuff, like in clubs, you know, five 600, people type, capacity type places, so nothing huge, but but one of the rules was always the I preached, the bands that I worked with, or bands that I booked for or, or, or managed was, if you're going to book a show, you don't cancel, and if you cancel shows, don't book them. And so I had this sort of anxiety around booking a guest and then not being able to follow through, and it's happened in the past, but it's the cause shit happens, shit comes up. But there's more anxiety around it because of this job. And I just don't know what my schedule is going to be. And things pop up. And I have a boss who just used to kind of chatty and so there are times when he calls and I feel very anxious if I don't if I'm not able to answer, and I would freak the fuck out if I was in the middle of a podcast interview with my boss called, but But I gotta figure out how to wrap my head around that. And I'm starting to make efforts on that front. And I'll get to some of that, but, but I just wanted to touch on, you know, kind of where I've been I know, you guys probably know that. But I just wanted to sort of reiterate that, you know, I've had to take some time off to to deal with the anxieties of life to deal with the anxieties of the job. And and determine what am I going to do about this? You know, the things that I teach, I essentially needed to apply to myself, you know, I had to figure out what was the problem? And what is what is the it's not the solution. It's what is what is the effort that is going to be made to alleviate the identified problem. And you have to be specific about some of these things, or all of these things, you know, specific problems will allow you to take specific actions. So if you know exactly what's going on, I can say, Oh, I'm stressed. Why? What does that mean? And so I had to take some time to really sort figure this out. I got a new therapist, as you know, I've been working with her. And that's been pretty good, although sporadic. I think the biggest thing that has helped me lately is, and I'll quote and I'll butcher it, Mr. Viktor Frankl, and he was a Holocaust survivor. And he wrote a book called, I believe it's called I've never read the book, I just know the quote book and I'm going to read the books on the list have to read but that fucking list is long as it I believe, is called Man's Search for Meaning. And in the famous quote is, and again, I'm gonna butcher it, but he talks about the space between spot stimuli and response lies your power. So in other words, if you're triggered, you're someone pisses you off someone makes you upset. The the space in between that moment, and your response is where your power lies. And so I've tried to when a phone call comes in, work phone call, when an email comes in, I've decided to take that time to pause and take and take my power and use it and decide is this something that I need to be stressed out about? Is this something I need help with? Is this something I can handle? Is this something that it requires my absolute attention requires me to be stressed. So it's really about sort of taking the time to decide who I want to be and the kind of person that I want to be? Do I want to be stressed out? Do I want to be pissed off? Do I want to be angry to want to be sad? And some of these things are sort of inescapable, right? You're gonna be triggered you're gonna be pissed. You're gonna be sad these things happen. And I'm going to talk to talk about something else happened recently that that shows with that The work that we taught that I talked about here, God does it pay off? It really does. And I'll get to that. So anyway, so I've been working with cultivating my power in that space and making decisions about who do I want to be. And who I want to be as someone that is not rattled by the everyday bullshit of life, it's still going to happen. Don't get me wrong, but but I've gotten much, much, much better at that. Taking the time to determine whether or not this is something and I'm really, really practicing it, I promise you, this is something I'm really working on, do I do I want to be stressed out? Do I want to be pissed, I want to be angry, you want to be sad. And again, some of these things are inevitable, they're gonna happen. And that's okay. And there's also your power is also in do I want to stay in this mindset. So let's say in that in that space between stimuli and response, let's say I get it wrong, quote, unquote. And I get sad, angry, mad, whatever. I have it within my power. And this is the trickier part to change that it's really hard. But it's, it's I am finding it much easier to, to cultivate that space in that pause, and then decide when when you react lightning quick like that. It's harder to change your mindset, at least for me. But if I take that time to pause and determine whether or not how do I want to proceed, how do I want to receive? How am I receiving? And how do I want to receive it and perceive it? And then how do I want to respond? What kind of person do I want to be? Do I want to be stressed out right now by this email? I breathe? No, I don't I don't Okay, so let's take a look at it. You know, what are they asking for? What do they need? What What can I do? What can I What can I do what you know, maybe I did mess up whatever, right? I can take the time to determine who do I want to be a stressed out pissed off individual or someone who is able to take the punches in the blows of life and go, Okay, I don't want to respond like, this is how I want to respond. And it's fucking it's, it's hard, man. It is hard, but, but doing that work, of being mindful. And it all centers around this and that that's my opinion, is my belief I've stuck in believe it. It's about being mindful of your thoughts and being able to determine whether or not those thoughts are helpful or hurtful. And and, and so a stimulus comes in an email comes in, that's like, why didn't you do this and I can determine in that moment to take that personal in a way that it is hurtful. Or I can decide, well, that person maybe they're having a bad day or, or maybe they're wrong, or maybe I did screw up or whatever, right? I can decide, who do I want to be? How do I want to respond instead of just allowing my brain and its old habits and patterns and paths to dictate how I'm going to be I am control of my brain. My brain is not in control of me. That's fucking hard to do, though. And I'm not perfect at it and I fuck up. But I work on it. And it's it pays off and I'm going to I'm going to talk about how it pays off. Here here in I don't know if I have anything else to cover. I think that kind of covers kind of where I'm at. I just got back from vacation, and I'm doing pretty well the vacation went by way too fast. I had a good time. I found myself doing doing fishing and I really liked fishing. I'm gonna be one of those guys. Now. I guess going forward. It's fucking fun catching a fish. I gotta say. We fish last year, we went on a fishing trip. This one was a little different. Because well, the fishing trip we want we want to have the expedition and I'm not going to touch on this stuff too much. But I'm just saying I really like Buck efficient. We last year we went and it was an expedition to ignite expeditions. Probably not the right fucking word where they call it I forget what they call it, but it was a charter. It was a half day got a lot of fish. It was fun. But it was done sort of, I wouldn't say for us but the dude the guide wherever he was really good at what he did, and he really helped us and he kind of led the way this guy not so much. Didn't have as good a time on the charter. But then we went out later and we we run in a pontoon boat when we went out and we fished and I caught a fish and it was awesome. And then we went on the pier and I fished and I almost caught a fish that's a long story was probably a stingray I hoped and it spoiled me it took fucking I don't know I don't know how many feet will wrap on the thing to I'm 53 and 54 feet I don't know it took my whole fucking spool and the guy the peers I guess price thing right they do it all the time. So, but it was fucking fun. I thought that fucker for a good 20 minutes but anyway,

Michael 9:55
I had a good vacation. I'm back and I'm already starting to Take Action. I've sent some emails this evening to some potential guests. And I'm going to try and work my way through this anxiety I'm having on booking guests and just be open and honest and say, Listen, it might come up that I had to cancel it last minute, I don't want to do that I apologize. But I have, I have a real job, which is good and bad. Good, because it pays well, bad because it's a fucking job. Right. So all that said, I want to talk about the work and how it has paid off for me. So in terms of my children, it was a really great vacation, my children and I had some really great bonding moments, it was a lot of fun for us. And, and, and when it was came time, when I got home yesterday evening, and she came to pick them up, I got incredibly sad, I really did not want my girls to go. And and I cried and I cried in front of my my daughters and in not in a you know, in a fetal position type of way. But I was clearly upset and I let them know that I was going to miss him, I want them to go. But but not in a you know, not in a accusatory manner towards the accent and, and I'll get to sort of my thought process, but But I opened up to my children a little bit and just let them know, I was gonna miss him. And it was it was a really good experience. It further strengthened the bond, I think. But this is a case of doing the work paying off of being mindful of the stimuli or the Yeah, the stimuli and then thus the response, right. So I was I knew that I was upset, clearly I was mindful, man, I really don't want them to go. And there was a split second where I didn't want to cry, and for not split second was probably, I don't know, 1020 30 seconds, somewhere around there, probably not quite 30 Where I were, I didn't, I felt like I didn't want to show that to them. And so I started I could fucking see it happening sort of, or I was recognizing and having started to get a little bit angry, and I thought I could go out there and tell that bitch, you know, fuck you, you did this. And that's the old me. That's what the guy who never did any work, who never was able to embrace his sadness, for what? And leave it at sadness. This is the guy who would when he was hurt, he would turn to anger. And I saw that it was fucking clear as day to me. And I said, first of all, it's my sadness. It's my grief. It's my, my feelings. They're mine. Right? It was she a part of that process of getting me to that in a way of course, right? She wanted to divorce she has, you know, thrust this upon me and myself and my children, all that right. But the feelings that I was feeling were mine. And so if I turned to anger, and lash out at her number one, I robbed myself of the ability to feel the actual feeling, not the anger, the sadness, and thus heal, and to grieve properly, and feel a little bit better. Because because I'm actually feeling it. I'm naming it I'm sad. You know, this a name entertainment. That's so fucking true. If you can pinpoint what it is that you're actually feeling you can deal with it and face it. And then you have power over it because you know what it is. But when you go lightning quick to anger, which I started to do, you rob yourself of the opportunity to really feel the true feeling and to thus heal from it, and be able to move on from it and not be resentful because I could have spent I could have stayed in anger. And I could have spent my whole evening being pissed off and bitter. And what ruined my whole fucking evening. Instead, I realized and recognize what was going on. And I said, No, I'm not doing that, man. I'm gonna feel this feeling. And I cried, and I cried a little bit from my girls. And then I left and I bought like a little baby. And but I dealt with it. And I felt it and I didn't put my my bullshit on anyone else. Because here's the other part. If I would have done that, I would have not only given my my shit, right, my inability to deal with my hurt feelings, I would have given it to the axe, which of course, part of you and me says, Who gives a shit? Fuck her. You ain't wrong. But because my kids are there, then it becomes their issue. So then my inability to deal with my hurt becomes their hurt. Do you understand what I'm saying? So we don't, if we don't learn how to deal with our own hurt, we transfer it to other people, usually in the form of anger, and then we hurt others because we're hurting. And that's just people talk a lot about what does it mean to be a man own your fucking feelings? It says step out step one, but it's in there. Because they're my they're my feelings. I should be I should be man enough to own my feelings. That is my sadness. I should handle it and deal with it and process it. Because when I do and here's what happened. Then I have a few bad moments. And you know, maybe maybe I was sad for after they left. I don't know. 30 minutes, maybe 60 minutes. I don't think it was quite 60 minutes. I felt the feelings I I dove in I leaned And I cried and I felt it and then I was fine and I had a really great day today it didn't linger it didn't it didn't stay with me and that shit is possible it just fucking is it takes hard work to do that to get to that point but it is possible to feel a feeling and not have a control your fucking life to feel it to heal it to move on from Nemeth detainment feel it to heal it whatever can rhymey fucking thing you want to say it works. It just does. And so here's the other part of that story so the end of the evening I'm laying down on the couch was watching the the new Walking Dead Dead City. I think it's called I think they used to call it I always did that change. I don't fucking know. Anyway, it's nagging. Negan if you watch The Walking Dead, you know what the fuck I'm talking about? And by the way, I'm not sure like the show. I like the characters. For sure. I'm just not sure the storyline. Anyway, I digress. I'm sitting on the couch and I'm like, fuck it. I'll pull up Bumble and I started swiping and who the fuck do I come across my ex and again, here's here's a here's a case of of doing the work and it paying off. I could have again easily turned to anger. FUCK YOU DONE God, Baba and all this. You know what I mean? If I would have stayed in my anger from earlier, it would have been exacerbated by seeing that profile. Just seeing her. And by the way, she looked good. So Melissa, if you're listening, your profile pictures, you look good. You're an attractive woman, for sure. But you also were mean, amongst other things, you're a liar, because you're sure fuck aren't 41 years old, by the way, which so I obviously I swipe left, and I guess I shouldn't have called her out. But that fucker, whatever. I don't think she listens. I don't know if she doesn't. I don't care. I mean, maybe it's some kind of setting or something or glitch. But so I swipe left, of course, because of course I'm not swiping right. Although someone said to me, you should you should swipe right, just to fuck with her. One of my students, of course, I'm not going to do that. But wait, so I swipe left. And then I thought well, wait a minute, let's say she was 41. Like, so I backed up. And I was like, sure enough. And that made me chuckle. So again, it you know, doing this work and feeling these feelings and being able to manage my emotions allowed me to have a good day today, a good evening, and actually to be able to laugh at my ex, who apparently swore off dating but yet is back on dating apps. And I only knew that because of a conversation with my daughter. I wasn't asking it's a long story thought we're talking about but but anyway, she apparently just told my oldest that she was done dating back in December or something or that's when I was told about it. Again, I didn't ask about it. I was talking about my experiences. Because my kids, I was dating someone. Okay, I'll just tell the story real quick. Maybe I've said this before. Again, I talk a lot. I don't know. It's like I say, I was dating someone my daughter, my oldest daughter knew because she went to high school or starting middle school with her this woman's daughter. And so my daughter, my daughter's both were asked me a bunch of questions about this woman. And I was like, Do you ask your mother all these questions? And that's when it came up? Well, Mom says she's done dating. So anyway, so I found it funny that while apparently she's not, which is fine. You know, do your thing, girl by the fact that she's lying about her age. I don't know. I thought that funny. Maybe I'm wrong. And so my point is that if you're able to manage these emotions, they don't control your life, you can control them now there are going to be things that can happen or will happen for sure that are gonna throw me for a loop and I'm gonna be distraught when I don't want to be and pissed off and I don't want to be these things happen. But man, I'm I'm making strides. And I feel really good about it. And so I'm sort of taking the time, I guess a little bit to celebrate that. And to let you know, that if you do this work, fucking pays off. If you're out there, and you're listening, and you're like, I want you to imagine right now and I don't know where you're at in your journey. Maybe Maybe you're as far along as I am. And maybe you're in a good space too. But if you're not, if you're in any part of your journey, just imagine coming across your ex's dating profile, and I'm sure a lot of you have and it's not the first time I have but being able to laugh at all and not ruin my day. My night and then my next day is puking progress. Now sure, some people so well, yeah, it's been almost four years that is true. But there are a lot of men that I have come across that have this much time from from the divorce or separation until you know, current day and they still struggle. So the work pays off. That's my fucking point. So that's that. The next thing I wanted to talk about is two things. I'm gonna I don't know if I haven't said this on the podcast, but again, if you're in the divorce support for men group, you're aware of this. I'm

Michael 19:55
taking a road trip so I am flying down to Austin town. exists on the 30th of this month. So two weeks from now, I'll be flying to Austin, Texas, I'm going to rent a car. And on the 31st of July, I'm going to start driving back home, it's probably going to be a three ish day trip, I'm going to try it's about a 24 hour drive in total, I'm not going to drive 24 hours straight. I think I'm looking at driving eight hours a day, I think I can fluctuate from that. Taken off work, so I'm not in a hurry to get back. But if you are on the route, and if if if you're listening and you're not in divorce support from ungroup reach out if you're on if you're anywhere from sort of, I guess the east of Texas, well, from Austin, all the way up to Pennsylvania. So I think the first stop is going to be an Arkansas I'm probably gonna stop in Nashville. I'm not sure from there. If you're in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, obviously does a Pennsylvania any of those states and and it's not too far off from my my route, reach out, please. I'd love to interview folks along the way for the podcast. But if you just want to hang out, that is completely fine. We can just hang out, I can just meet you. That's cool, too. So I I'm hopeful that I'll be it'll be a three to four day journey. And then I'll be back home. And anything that I do film, any interviews will be put out as a podcast episode. And I'm not sure I haven't gotten anything concrete. I have one particular friend, alpha code alum who said he's, he's willing to tag along, he's gonna fly to Austin. And this is what he says, I don't know, if he's booked anything. I hope he does love to hang out with him. Adam, if you're listening, shout out to my friend. He's gonna join me in Austin, and he lives in Nashville. And he'll join me on that stretch of the journey. So if you're anywhere and along that route, if you just want to put in to Google, Austin, Texas, to York, Pennsylvania, if you're any law anywhere along that route, I would say you know, if you're willing to drive an hour, I'll drive an hour. So if you're, you know, two hours off the route and are willing to drive an hour, I'll drive an hour off Route to to meet with you. I'd love to meet all of you guys. And if you would like to meet with me, just just send me a message send me an email. I do want to touch on this too. This happens on occasion. I'm not mad but you know, I have a coaching you guys know I have a coaching program and I will get back to doing episodes on the program. And I also will get back to doing the discord episodes, discourse episodes. With Chris it's just at we've had some technical issues and I just haven't been able to, to fix it, like we've recorded a few times and the audio hasn't worked out and I'm going to fix it. I just don't know when it will happen. Because I do enjoy those episodes. So so anyway. What was I saying? Yeah, so I think I was saying that I'm gonna I'm gonna anything I record I'm gonna put out. By the way, this is the second time that I've Oh, that's what I was saying. This is the second time I've had to record this episode because I was doing it earlier. I forgot the point I was talking about and normally I just I just don't I don't worry about it. I don't edit it. I just leave it in but it was I completely froze. I was like, What the fuck that anyway, if you know I have the coaching program, and if you're interested, that is awesome. Book a call, let's have a conversation. If if you just want to talk to me, and that's I'm flattered, and I understand and I appreciate it. Please don't book a coach's call, just just send me a message. And if you want to talk, we can still talk. You know, we can get on a zoom call, we can still talk but when you book a coach's call, I get fucking excited. You're like, alright, somebody wants to work with me. And it's happened on more than one occasion. I wouldn't be bringing up people want to talk to me. I just don't just send me a message. Well, I could jump on a phone and then someone the other day said, you know how much for you know, a console. I don't tell you how to talk to me. I can charge anybody I talk to me. That's just fucking weird. So if you just want to and I'm flattered, and I appreciate it and understand it and that's fine. But I don't want it does bother me at all. You know, people sometimes think that, you know, I'm sorry, you know, and I hear this all the time. I've heard it's night some guy messaged me. He's like, Oh, I'm sorry to bother. You don't fucking bother me. I'd love talking to people I love I love talking to people that that are thirsty for knowledge and are looking for help to navigate this and that doesn't mean they're looking for paid help. I mean, just help that I mean this stuff. whole fucking premises of everything I'm doing. But I can't do shit for free. But but if you just want to talk to me, I'm not gonna just just just message me send me an email, and and and say, Hey man, I just really want to talk, that's cool. I just don't book a coach's call, I get excited. And then I get let down because I'm like, oh, and guy just wanted to talk to me, which again, it's flattering, and I appreciate it. And it's weird. And but I understand it, it's just, I get excited. And then I get let down. So. So anyway, speaking of sort of talking with me, and all that kind of stuff. If you're interested, I'm going to be doing a class on Wednesday, this coming Wednesday, the 19th. At 9pm. Eastern, the the event is in the divorce support for men group. And so the zoom, it's through Zoom, zoom link is in there. If you're not in that group, and you want to attend this class, and I'll explain what it is. Just send me an email, and I'll send you the link to the zoom. So what am I doing? So I often see, you know, people talk about, you know, change your thoughts be more positive, I often see very negative comments from folks, which is understandable, it's par for the course when you're going through this bullshit. So I'm going to give a class on and I said I said an hour, but it might take longer than that, on how to combat that what to do about your negative thoughts. Because it's something that, that I have struggled with in life, but I've developed sort of a, I want to say formula, because that makes it sound like you know, this is the way and it has to be this way, I would say a method, maybe I have a method that I use. But that method allows for the nuance of life or the nuance of the human experience. So in other words, I do a certain thing a certain way. And not it might not work for you. But that that method will I know that doesn't really make any fucking sense. And I'm not trying to be secretive. I'm just trying to figure out how to say it to make some kind of sense. I have a way that works for me to deal with my negative thoughts. But the exact way that I do it might not work for you. But the methodology that I use will again, I don't know if that makes any sense. So So anyway, if you want to attend, it's totally free. It is. I'll be honest, I guess it is, I guess I probably will do sort of a sales pitch type thing at the end. I think I don't I'm really honestly not doing it. for that. I just, I just want to help because I see so much. I see so many folks with so many negative thoughts and negative comments and and negative about themselves that I really just kind of want to help because I have those things too. But I have I have a system that works for me, and I think it can help you. It's something that I definitely do teach and it is part of my program. But I'm hopeful that it won't just help period. And it's not, you know, do I hope it'll generate interest? Yeah, I guess I mean, sure. That'd be awesome. But and I may do some sort of salesy bullshit at the end, I don't know, I might say, if I can get five guys to sign up all, you know, the, I'll give you my program for? I don't know, right now, it's $1,200. Maybe I'll give it to 4000. I don't know. And by the way, you know, again, I'm gonna get back to episode on on the program. But so I'm charging $1,200 At this point, it's slowly but surely ramped up. And and I'm, I've been told by many folks, mentors and stuff, just a little anti for one. So do you need to charge way more than that, like, that's insane, that you're only charging money I can tell the Alpha code now is I think a $3,500. Program. So in my programs are four weeks longer. So it's, you know, in my opinion, it's a fucking steal. But But anyway, it's really honestly not the purpose. I think it might be. It's something that might come at the end, you know, but it won't be. It's not just for that I'm really just want to give you this, this stuff to help. And I also think I might, so I'm probably going to it's going to be on Zoom, so I'll probably record it, and I'll probably broadcast it. If everyone's okay with that. I know I'm gonna make sure everyone's okay with that if they want to turn off the camera or whatever. But I probably broadcast it live and in the divorce report from Ungroup. I'm not Harmsen Sure. I'll wait till everyone jumps on and see what everyone thinks it feels. At this point. I think there are 29 that have said they're gonna go and 10 that or maybe I think I don't, fucking five could show up. I don't I mean, doesn't matter. I don't I don't care. I'm just trying to put out something that I think is helpful. And so So yeah, so Wednesday, July 19 9pm. Eastern. And I think, again, depending on

Michael 29:37
the folks that are attending, what their thoughts are, I may put it out as an episode as well. It is sort of based around a block of weeks in the program. They won't be exactly like that, because I also have negative behaviors. There's a block of week seven to week 11 That sort of around sort of dealing with our issues and making changes and so there will be sort of cherry picking out of those weeks to specifically address negative thoughts, negative thoughts are in there, but so is negative behaviors. So is making some decisions about accepting or changing who you find out you are when you're doing this examination process. So yeah, you know, if you want to attend just hit me up. I hope to see you, I'm really excited about the gowns with you. I'm going to be shooting for 60 minutes, but maybe, you know, it'll go longer. Maybe it'd be shorter shit, I really don't know. I think 60 minutes is where we'll end up. And of course, there'll be time for questions and things of that nature. So yeah, I hope to see you there. And so I think that's all I got I, I really, I don't mind doing solo episodes. But I really, really like interviewing folks. So I won't be doing a lot of solo episodes, I won't be strictly doing solo episodes, I shouldn't say I won't be doing a lot, I'm sure that I will. Over the course of time, I will probably do a lot wherever the fuck a lot means but I really like interviewing people and I'm gonna get back to that just I appreciate your patience. I appreciate appreciate you guys, you know, somebody reached out and asked, you know, you know, when's the next one? And you know, you know, are you gonna come back? You know, I've had those questions I have not done. I'm just, you know, I'm having I needed a break. And I don't know that I'm 100% back yet. But I am starting to make strides to to get completely and fully back in terms of you know, bringing on guests and experts and things of that nature and I am incredibly excited about some of the the folks that I have talked with in the past you know, I definitely think there's much more to cover, there's much more to learn, there's much more to gain. There's much so many more people that need the the support and this help and, and I just, I love doing it, man and I'm gonna keep churning them out. So if you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out. And in the meantime take care of your brothers. Reach out, give support, get support. Take care. Much love. Bye. Thank you so much for watching and or listening. Since my separation in July of 2019 I have done an incredible amount of work on myself. I've had many different therapists, life coaches and went through different programs. I've taken all that I've learned and put it into my own program called forged by fire. If you are interested in having me help navigate your divorce, please hit my website Rising Phoenix divorce coach.com. I look forward to working with you

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