Episode 125 – Updates and Surviving The Holidays

Michael 0:00
Hey what's up, gentlemen, this is Rising Phoenix podcast podcast about how to rise up after divorce. I'm your host divorce coach, Michael Rhodes. Let's get into it. Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 125. This is another solo episode and I'm going to cover a few things, including how to handle getting through the holidays, or at least things that I have done to get through the holidays are things that I suggest to any of you out there that are, are struggling. And I think I'll kind of cover that a little bit more extensively here in a few minutes. But first, I want to cover a couple of things. One, I'm really good. I apologize for not getting something out last week. Work Travel really prevented me from editing the Thanksgiving episode. So I don't know, who is aware and who isn't. But on Thanksgiving, I was alone. And so I did a few live videos, or live streamed meetings essentially, guys that the majority of the guys that are in the discord came together on Zoom, we had sort of a little bit of a meeting, and we broadcasted live into the divorce support for men group. It's about two and a half hours worth of footage. And so I did start editing it. I did not get very far I found myself being very picky with the edits for some reason, not 100% sure why, I guess I just wanted to make sure it's good content, because there's, there's a lot of folks that were speaking that, you know, they weren't speaking. In order to record a podcast episode, they were just speaking and being themselves and there were some pauses and arms and poor internet here and there. And so I was just really kind of honing in on up and saying hone in a lot lately, I don't know why I've been really focused, I was really focused on trying to make a good episode out of it. And so it's taken a little bit longer than I had a lot of travel, I've had a lot of travel in general recently, for work. I've been out on the road, I think I haven't looked at it. Precisely, but I believe, for the last 14 weeks, I was on the road, at least, to maybe at least two days, for 12 out of those 14 weeks. So I've been home on weekends and stuff, but I've been traveling a lot, it's I'm burnout. Fortunately, I think I'm done this year, which isn't saying a ton, but it's, I'll take it, I could use it, I need it. So you know, I'm I'm probably one that probably I'm going to take next week off completely from work. And hopefully that'll allow me I got some things to do around the house for sure. But hopefully, that'll allow me to get that episode edited. Maybe this week, it would be really nice. To be quite honest with you, I'm trying to hit a certain goal. And if I can get two episodes out this week to make up for the myths of last week that would really help me towards getting this goal that I have for this year number of listens of the podcast. In totality, I had a number in mind, not going to hit that one my original goal. But I've set a new target. And I think I can hit that. But I need to put need to put another one out this week, I think at least that will go a long way towards getting me there. So so it wasn't that I was distraught or in a bad way. And that's why you know, I couldn't get any episodes out. I just, it was a lot to edit. And I just I didn't have the time necessarily. And more importantly, it was it was a lot to edit. So anyway, so so I'm good. You know, you know, dating stuff aside, you know, that didn't work out and I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm pretty good with it. It was nice if I'm if I'm being honest, having someone for a little bit of time to you know, text with and sort of, you know, sort of get intertwined into your life a little bit. Your twine is probably the wrong fucking word but, but just someone that you know, hey, this is going on and someone other than one of the fellas It was nice, I'm not gonna lie and say it wasn't but you know, I think I said is maybe two episodes ago. I'm not going to settle and there's there's some notes I should talk about this. So the two episodes ago I kind of mentioned it didn't work out and that was probably For the best, and you know, I've seen some red flags and I think that this person was a subscriber on YouTube and he did not like what she heard, I guess because I got my first ever dislike on any of my Bouygues videos and that's fine. I really don't care. Speaking the truth sometimes will upset people, and I have no ill will or towards her. Yeah, I wish her the best and all that kind of good shit. But but, you know, it's, it's very possible to go through a rejection like that. Even if it was it was for the right reasons. It still can hurt. But, you know, I took a couple of days and I was fine with it. I am fine with it. Again, it would be nice to have somebody but man, I'm just not fucking settling. I'm just not I settled a long time ago, you know? Not that I don't. I didn't grow to love my ex wife. And and you know, I was I was very content in our marriage. And I think you can, that content word is plays a lot of ways. So I think it's apropos, but I was certainly content and you know, but But initially, I did settle I was not that into her. So I'm not going to fucking do that again. I just won't do it. I'll be fucking alone until I die if that's what I have to do in order to be in order to have a good relationship in order to not repeat the mistakes of the past. So so so yeah, so that stuff didn't throw me for too long. Couple days. The legal stuff of my ex has it got the latest QTR Oh, got rejected again. So I've we filled it out again. And now we're on the fourth go around, I think of this fucking form. But that didn't even I just chuckled. I was like, Yeah, I'm not surprised. I called it this isn't gonna work. But anyway, so so that stuff aside, you know, I'm doing well. And then, you know, not only did I have a negative or a dislike on on on YouTube, but also for the first time in the history of this podcast on Apple I, in a single month, I had I lost listeners not. So typically on Apple, I'll gain like, I'm just round numbers, because it's different every month, I'll gain 12 and lose four or something like that. Right. And so last month was the first month I know, I gained a team that lost 90. I don't know why and don't care. Like I could speculate until the cows come home about oh, maybe they don't like me, maybe I shouldn't maybe I should do this clip. I don't give a shit, man. I'm just gonna keep being me in hopes that people find it. But again, this speaks to resilience to the work. It's like, okay, what am I telling myself about that? Stat. Okay, I lost for the first time in the history podcasts on Apple. I have lost subscribers in a month. And you can see, you can look at the little chart and shows you every month and this is last month. It's it's in the negative, it's in the red, it's there. And it stands out. And I can tell myself all kinds of shit about that. But the truth is, I don't fucking know. I just I couldn't. I couldn't possibly speculate why someone? Well, I mean, I could but like, to what end? You know, it could have been many things. They decided that they they were thinking about divorce, but they worked it out, they could have decided their red pill. And I'm not that guy. It could have been a million things. Primary million, but it could have a whole lot of fun things. But I don't know. And so I can't spend any anytime worrying about it. And so again, this speaks to the work. I don't know that I've always thought I always would have done that or been that way. But I am now. So I'm looking over here because I do have some notes. I said that I was going to talk about this. A couple of podcast episodes ago. And I didn't get around to it. It just I didn't want to. I didn't crowbarred into anything

into the Thanksgiving episode. But I did say that I was going to announce coaching program info. And so like I said, I think I said this before, I'm only taking two clients at a time. And I'm going to stick with the program but it can be altered. In terms of the program in terms of length for sure. Four months. We can talk. If you're interested, we can certainly go longer and we can add on additional weeks. But the backbone the basis will be the forged by fire program. But I'm flexible as to change some things. It takes some things out. And I'm also open to doing a month at a time. And so what I've decided is for these two people, whether it be the forest by fire program, or a monthly, you know, we do a month at a time. If you do the forest by fire program, I'm cutting it down to two $600 for that program, and so that's over over six months, you can pay $100 a month, and you'll get the four month program, again, with some flexibility from me in terms of changing weeks out, extending weeks, repeating weeks, things of that nature. But if you've got a rising finished divorce coach, you'll find the program and what it covers and what it entails. And convert and that's only two people. And conversely, if you want to do just something monthly, it's going to be $100 a month. And we'll do weekly calls once a week for sure. And then I'll probably set up Marco Polo again. And that's Marco Polo is sort of like a texting app, but videos. So you can send me video messages. And I would respond with a video message. So that's that, but I'm only doing two people. I don't have the capacity to do anymore. I just don't I wish that I did fucking I wish that I did. But But I do not. So I'm, I'm doing what feels right at this point. If you are interested in working with me, and you're like, Dude, I can't even afford $100 a month, give me a call. And maybe we can do something and work something out. Because I'm not doing it for the money. Although I can't do it for free. I do this for free. But if I'm going to put forth the effort of coaching, I need to be paid for it. And honestly, if you look at something that is similar, something like the Alpha code that is less, and I'm not knocking off code, none of the things I'm about to say, and I've probably said this before, but I'm sensitive to not knocking it because it was important to me and so is Justin. But the output is 12 weeks, and it's $4,500. So and I think you can pay you pay, maybe it's four months. Or maybe it's only the three months of the program. I don't remember regardless, it's really fucking expensive. It's worth it. And so it was my program. But I'm I don't have the capacity number one and number two, I don't have the experience. So the Justin has, although I've gained a lot of coaching experience over the last year, and I'm grateful for those that did come to me, didn't it didn't end very well. And that's my fault. It really just was my inability to juggle things and people's expectations. And I handled it very poorly. But I learned a ton from it. And I have no fucking doubt in my mind that if you need help, I can help you because I've been here or I've been there. I've been through it. I'm going through it and I'm doing pretty fucking well. So anyway, that's that if you want any information just hit me up. You know, the last thing I wanted to sort of that are sort of not the last thing but the what I really wanted to talk about when I started thinking about well, I want to do an episode. What can I do? And obviously it's the holidays and obviously and that can be very very difficult this this time of year. Man, it sucks. It sucks. I am this is my fifth This is my fifth year 2019 2020 2021 2220 Fucking A is my fifth year doing this and there's still moments that it sucks. You know, the I think the most difficult thing and I'll focus a little bit on holidays here in a second. But I think the most difficult thing about this is if you have children and you go through a divorce and you didn't want to divorce you still have to see this person. And that's really hard. It's almost like the wound doesn't get an opportunity to scab over because it's it's constantly or frequently being poked and that's really fucking hard. And so you have to work really very, you have to work very really fucking hard to get to heal to get over to move on. And I don't even really like move on so much but but I think that is an accurate description. You have to move on but it's hard. And make no mistake about it this this time of year. It's it's really hard. Again, this is my fifth and there are still moments where I'm like, Man, I really miss my family. I miss all the things that that occurred in all the Christmases past and and that's okay, I think we all need to get to a point where we can look back on these memories fondly. But without all the pain it's some some pain still, it still hurts still still wound. But I think it's, again, go back way back to episode three, embrace the pain. So you can face it and control it not control it sorry manage it and then it doesn't control you if you manage it It can't control you so it's really important I think that we when we do this work part of it is embracing pain sitting with with it journaling feeling getting into your body not running from it because if you if you can face it and take it head on and it again it had it loses its ability to control you. And anything you avoid typically will control you. And I'm not talking about like I mean, there's probably some there's probably someone out there is going well yeah, but if you whatever I'm talking about the the emotions and the pain of this situation. You have to face these things and it sucks. And so back to the holidays, divorces hard holidays when your divorce is really fucking hard. It's It's damn near torturous, because there are so many positive things and so many positive memories and it feels like got so many feelings you could have about it. It was all for naught. It was all a lie. It was a waste and all those things are just aren't true. We're trying to deal with the pain by rationalizing by thinking about it by out trying to out think it and you just can't do that. You have to embrace it. It sucks. It sucks that this happened. But what are we doing now? What are we doing to move forward and that's sometimes really fucking hard to get to. And by the way, you don't always have to get to there. That's part of it. Embrace the pain sit with that shit. Yes, this sucks, cry, feel it, express it. Again, if you face it and take it in, grab it by the fucking throat and in in taking, take control. I don't want to take control, take a hold of it and manage it. It won't control you. And so acknowledge it. So let's talk about what what do I recommend that we do during these holidays. And again, this is my fifth one. So I might know a fucking thing or two because I've survived four of them. And the first part of it is acknowledging, yes, this fucking sucks. It hurts. It sucks. I don't like it. This isn't in some ways it isn't fair. Feel all those shitty things. Get them out though. Don't Don't just think. Don't just think feel them, express them, write them. Join the fucking Discord server and come to a meeting and talk about it. Get it out. Start a journal. I can't stress that enough. Get this shit out, come to a supportive positive place and express it whether that be a therapist, God's sakes, if you're listening to this podcast and you're able to get therapy, I can get therapy man find a good therapist, but fucking a there's nothing better. There's nothing better in this healing journey than finding a good therapist. I really don't think I'm not saying it's all that there is. And it doesn't mean that you can just go to therapy and just vomit out all of your shit there's there you have to take actions and steps and plans and all that kind of good shit but fucking haga therapists so So acknowledge it, express it, feel it reach out talk to people, preferably people that had been through it, preferably people that have been through it who don't say shit like get over it move on. Man up all that done bullshit, this shit that we talk about amongst the groups and amongst the discord server that we just put that's we're not about that. So get around supportive people and talk about it. The next thing you can do is is you know, I seen someone posted in the Facebook group about this the other day they were like my ex is happening or someone's having a holiday party my ex is going with her new boyfriend it's my my weekend or my time or my holiday and they want me to go What should I do? Don't fucking go but don't don't take it don't take the daughter either. Don't let the daughter go

unless there's some unless that kid is just like throwing a fucking Chai I don't even think so man. Start new traditions that's what you have to do. That's what I recommend to you so whether if it's your holiday or not find something new that you can do to to okay so for instance now every every Christmas or before it before Christmas we go out and we we cut it we pick a tree and we cut a tree down to four I'm not talking like National influence style like I don't have a station wagon I'm not pulling trees out by the fucking roots but my daughter suggested that to me this past weekend this is hilarious. I'm talking about you know we go to one of those you know tree farms or what the fuck ever and we take the soul and we we fucking spend forever finding one because I love my daughters but they are fucking polar opposites and they can't want it whatever one likes the other one doesn't like it's always fucking takes forever but it's still it's a tradition. So thing we do now every fucking year for the last five years. Because partially and here's here's something to center around your new traditions around potentially is we didn't have For the last few years, we didn't have a real tree because the ex didn't want it. She didn't like all the pine needles and who gives us you know what, now that I can I'm fucking going to even if I was like, You know what, this is a pain in the ass. It's not by the way, I fucking love it. But even if it was, I can. So I'm going to now obviously make a positive note saying I can get shit faced it sit alone and drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels. So I'm going to and I'm not talking about that, find positive things that you couldn't do before and incorporate them into your life. So if it's something like going to get a new tree, it could be going out and shopping for new ornament it there's a million fucking things you could do to establish a new tradition? And preferably, you know, include the children. Now, when it's not your holiday, that is a little bit trickier, obviously. But you still can you know, I don't do this. But I'm, I'm fairly certain that you could probably go to the movies on Christmas Day. I'm not 100% Sure, but I think that's the thing. Chinese buffets, right? Aren't they always open on foreign, they don't celebrate Christmas, I don't think you know, there's, there's things that you can do that, that put yourself first and you say I'm going to do this now, I'm going to I'm going to go to see a movie, I'm going to go to Chinese buffet, I'm going to I'm going to take a fucking, I'm going to find the best fucking Chinese buffet within two hours of me and I'm going to go to that fucking place or whatever it is, if you have the ability and the freedom to do whatever you want, and go fucking do it. And again, try and factor in, there's a little bit of a, I don't know if it's, there's a little bit of a pettiness in this, I guess. But fuck it, it's your life now. And if there's something you know, maybe she didn't like Chinese, then fucking go go three times that day, or what the fuck however, you can, you can factor in these things that you couldn't do any longer. It's a little bit of a fuck you to, to, I guess I guess her in a way. I mean, they'll tell her Don't be petty in that kind of way. But just use it as a, you know, a sort of a fuel to get you to do something new because sometimes we can sit in our house and mope and, and I get it, I've been there. And I've done that. And I still do it on occasion. But use that as a fuel to be like, You know what, fuck her, I'm gonna go do something she wouldn't want me to do and that gets you out of your funk. It's really hard to change our, our thought patterns or habits, but it's not impossible. And if we can use our emotions to do that, that's all the better but but make the mistake. You know, people talk about this all the time. I think Alex Korb, the neuroscientists that I had on fucking team episodes ago, our brains are our brains, our brains are neuroplastic we can we can make changes, we can change pattern, you can change habits, it's fucking possible. But sometimes we have to use the emotions that we have in order to sort of spur us on. And sometimes we have to do things differently than we've done before. To spur us to make change. You know, Tony Robbins talks about this. And you know, I mentioned a couple episodes ago, where I listened to that video, I listened that fucking video every morning, I should have, I should have posted a link to it. I think it's Mulligan brothers. Just searched that Morgan. I think it's Morgan brothers, Tony Robbins, morning motivation. And he talks he just kind of talks about I think it's like 30 minutes long. He talks about, you know how to change how to make changes really, sometimes about changing your physiology and changing your body. And he talks about these power poses, and it's a really good video. And it's really good advice. Sometimes. We have to get out of these, these funks. And out of these states. In order to do that we have to change our body in our movements. And I talked about this shit all the time. And I know some people it just flies right over heads not because it's too complex. It's just too weird and different, you know, but fucking Tony Robbins is talking about it. And he talks about Harvard did a study and they call it power poses, you know, sort of standing like, like Superman, like put your hands on your hips and sort of, you know, open up your chest and just stand like that for two minutes and increase his testosterone, it lowers cortisol, which is a stress hormone. There's other different power poses and he talks about these things, and I can start us on a path to do something to take action. And that's the only way you're ever going to get the change. We can't think our way to change. We can't think our way out of motional problems we just can't stop possible. So but I do want to acknowledge it's it's fucking hard in this time of year is really hard. It's it sucks, man. This is not the life that I wanted. It isn't. I still find you know, I'll find old ornaments or whatever. You know, when we're putting ornaments on a tree and I think about you know, just the past and how bad it sucks that I can't have My family in the way that it was and, and you can again, you can, you can go down these rabbit holes of fucking self deprecation and just beating yourself up and like, oh, only if I would have done this or would have done that, or I shouldn't have done this or shouldn't have been happy. And I that happens, you know, but I catch myself pretty quickly and I go, that's I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything about it. I wish I could I do. I do. I wish I could. But I can't. You know, there's nothing any of us can do about the past. Except for learn from it. You know, and again, some of this stuff is very cliche. And it feels kind of bullshitty sometimes, but sometimes cliches are cliches for a reason. In general, I think cliches are noise. But there's some good ones, and they're there for a reason. And so I think we have to, we have to acknowledge that this is hard. I think that's important. I think it's important to not run from it, I think it's important to embrace it and express it. And then take action to make changes. And those changes are new traditions, new habits, you know, whatever you did, with your family, and your in your, in your ex wife, or soon to be ex wife or whatever your situation is. See if you can find sort of the opposite or the counterbalance, or, you know, try and find your way to new things because they're their life is full of possibilities. It's endless what you could do. I'm sure I'm not well, I shouldn't say that. But I'm gonna guess if you're in the northeast, quarter a bunch of Amtrak runs trains on Christmas Day, take a fucking train to wherever the fuck you want and go see that place. I know that costs money, but take a hike somewhere. Just do something to start new traditions and new habits. And I promise you that the next thing you know, it'll be five years later, and you'll be on your fifth fucking Christmas. And it will still suck sometimes. But you'll be okay. You'll you'll be okay. I say that all the time, I promise you, you will be okay. And that's not a hollow promise. I'm living fucking proof. I was suicidal. I felt lost and hopeless, and beaten, and miserable. And like a fucking failure and a fuckup worthless. And every negative fucking thing you can think. But here I am. I'm a survivor. And if you're listening, guess what you are, too. So I hope that this helps. I've been thinking a lot lately about trying to make episodes to help people get through certain circumstances. And so hopefully, someday, you will

have a holiday that's coming up. And you'll listen to this episode to try and help you get through that to remind you that you're gonna be okay. But you got to take some action. And part of that is embracing how shittiness is. So that's it. That's all I got. Hopefully, you'll be hearing Episode 126, which is the Thanksgiving episodes this week, I hope. In addition, I I have my children until noon on Christmas Day. So I have tentative plans to do something probably around 1pm. Eastern, similar to the similar to what I did on Thanksgiving, I will have a zoom, I'll put the link out. And you can join me and we can talk. It doesn't have to be formal or a meeting or it can just be hanging out and just talking and being there for one another. So that is a tentative plan. But that's I don't see any reason why I wouldn't do that. I probably end up going to Chris's, that evening. So I won't be able to do it all all, you know, you know till late in the evening, but probably a couple of hours. On Christmas Day, I will have a you know, just I'll have the opportunity for us, those of us that will be alone to come together and just spend some time together via the interwebs. So that's it. That's all I got. And as always, take care of yourselves and especially this time of year, take care of each other. Thank you so much for watching and or listening. Since my separation in July of 2019 I had done an incredible amount of work on myself. I've had many different therapists, life coaches and went through different programs. I've taken all that I've learned in prison my own program called forged by fire. If you are interested in having me help you navigate your divorce, please visit my website Rising Phoenix divorce coach.com. I look forward to working with you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai