Episode 130 – Betrayal Blindness – Author Fern Schumer Chapman

In this episode I speak with Author Fern Schumer Chapman about Betrayal Blindness.  What it is, how to recognize it, and how to avoid it.  

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Episode 117 – Forged By Fire – Weeks 2 & 3 – Solo (Moving and Dropping Into Your Body)

In this episode I cover weeks 2 and 3 of my program, Forged By Fire.  These weeks center around getting out of your head and getting into your body.  Information of my program can be found here; http://www.risingphoenixdivorcecoach.com.

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Michael 0:00
Hey what's up, gentlemen, this is Rising Phoenix podcast podcast about how to rise up after divorce. I'm your host, divorce coach, Michael Rhodes. Let's get into it. Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 117. This is going to be a solo one. And I'm going to cover weeks two and three of my forged by fire program. If you're watching this on YouTube, it is probably very clear to you that this is being shot on a new and or different camera. Shout out to my brother Adam, who sent me a bunch of stuff for this podcast, including this camera that I am now using, it is definitely a much better picture. So I really, really appreciate it. Adam, thank you very, very much. So I wanted to talk, get back to talking about my program, because it is important to me and important to the folks that have gone through it. Before I get to that, I do want to touch on me a little bit and just kind of give me an update. I don't want to turn this into an episode about just where I'm at. But I at least wanted to touch on it. I am okay, I think I am still struggling with anxiety a little bit. I'm trying new things and trying to find ways to cope. And I think this is just another case of me being tested and me being tasked with figuring out how to handle these things and bring it to you. So I haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress. But if you are struggling with anxiety, just know that you have nothing else you have an ally in your corner. And someone that is going to try and figure out ways for us to handle this together. So I'm trying to be more mindful of where I am in terms of my mental state and trying to be born mindful of my thoughts. Although my thoughts don't really, they're not negative. They don't really contribute to the anxiety, I don't think in some degree probably around health issues. I'm okay, I'm just I have a certain paranoia and I think perhaps my thoughts around health because of sort of my my history and my experiences with with negative health outcomes within my family, my father dying of cancer at 44. That's probably sort of influenced my anxiety around health issues. I mean, I'm having some small things but there It's nothing major. I'm okay. Nothing to worry about. At least I don't I don't think so. So, around health, I still have, you know, some significant negative thoughts and worries and concerns and thus anxiety. But for all my life in general, I think the anxiety just comes from overwhelm. And I think that's par for the course if you're a single father, even if it's only half the time. I think it's nearly impossible to not have struggles, I think you have struggled as a parent no matter what, I think that just this, this being a single parent, it amplifies the struggles and it it doesn't allow for much downtime and especially if you have an overwhelming job that can also add to the stress and take away I think more importantly, perhaps, take away from the downtime that can lead to some relief, some relaxation. So I'm, I feel in some ways like I am on the journey that I was in beginning all this except for instead of dealing with a divorce, it's more about dealing with my anxiety. I have never been an anxious person. I've always had some anxiety like I said sort of around health. Just because again my father died of cancer. My grandmother who passed away lived with us for the final years of her life she she passed away 72 emphysema I think it was both of my grandfather's died when I was young. My dad's dad actually died before I was born. I'm not sure what he had, I think multiple sclerosis, but I'm not 100% Sure. And then my mom's father passed away from stroke. So health issues always freaked me the fuck out. So those have always kind of been there. And and I think what has occurred lately is that just the my cup runneth over so to speak. I've had too much going on and I need to find ways to handle it and in looking at things to do swore I wasn't gonna make this one just About my my situation, but but I do want to touch on, I want to address it because, you know, I talked about it so. But I think, you know, I just need to develop strategies around being able to relax and self care, you know, and not just, you know, sitting around eating bonbons or whatever, I think it's more than that for sure. And that ties into good segue ties into week two, week two, and three weeks two and three. Specifically, we start with week two, obviously, of my program, then we to the program is very basic. And it's something that is preached by many folks for many reasons, but that is physical activity, do something every day. And Dr. MC McDonald talks about this 20 minutes every day, and doesn't have to be strenuous, just has to be some kind of physical activity. And I honestly have gotten away from that. And that's probably somewhat of a contributing factor to my my mental health struggles lately. So I'm going to try to recommit to those things. But the nice thing about the program is when you're in it, and especially well, all the weeks, but but especially this one, for sure, you can be held accountable by other men that are going through the same things and have gone through that week already and have developed strategies around how to get there 20 minutes in every day, it doesn't, again, doesn't have to be strenuous. It could be walking for 20 minutes, there really isn't a sort of tried and true, like you have to do this way you have to do this workout, you have to lift weights, it doesn't matter, obviously, if you have goals, and that will determine how much it matters what you do, but just for pure mental health, and there are numerous studies that said that say this, and I was going to print some out, but I figured you guys can look it up. You know, the more active you are, the better your mental health, it can help with things like depression, anxiety, there's no question that the facts are out there, the studies are out there. So week two of the program is simply getting getting active, getting doing things that everyday require you to move your body in some kind of way. And again, why is this helpful? Well, a get you out of your head and get you in into your body, which leads into week three, I'll get into that in a little bit. And B it does release endorphins and those types of things where it can depending on your type of exercise, that can also help with with stress and depression and all these other types of things. So the good thing about the program is you're again, you're held accountable, there are men in there that are there with you. And the other good thing about this program is you don't even when you're done, you don't you're you're in this you get your get invited to a Facebook group and you're in there until the end of time or, or Facebook implodes, whatever happens first. So you're always going to have support, you're always going to have a place to come and vent come and talk to come and get advice. You don't get through this program and everything suddenly is is hunky dory, clearly, right? I'm having struggles they're not around divorce, though I can I can help you get through your divorce. I can't yet help you with your anxiety. But I fucking will I promise you. I'm not clearly kind of person who just sits back and waits for shit to happen. So that's one of the the solid pieces of this program. And if you're if you're on the fence, and you're, you're not sure. Just fucking do it, if you're struggling with your divorce, do it not only for all the steps in this program, but for that support? And yes, there is a part of me that says, Man, it's a little sad that you have to pay to be part of a group of men. Yes, it is a little sad. But these these men are specific in their intention. So you're not only are you around or the menu around are the men who had the same intention as you to heal and grow from divorce. And there are there are guys that are in varying stages, and there'll be able to help you along and more importantly, the sympathize and understand it's not like you're speaking Greek, it's not like they're going to tell you, Oh man, you just need to get over it. That's that's not going to happen in this group. So if you are on the fence, I strongly encourage you to just pull the fucking trigger. It will help you I promise you that right now. And I'll cover week three here in a second. Right. Right now it's $1,200 for the entire program. If you look at a similar program, and the only one that I know of for sure, I'm sure there are others, but the only one I know for sure is the alpha code. It's very similar to the alpha code. Although my program is longer and it is definitely more specific in terms of it's for men going through divorce, not just men period.

Michael 9:49
The Alpha code right now I believe is and I'm not knocking the Alpha code. It's worth every penny that I paid but I believe the Alpha code is now $4,500 I am not charging $400 But I believe it is worth adding more. Because it is life changing. Make no mistake, if you are struggling and you have no outlet, you have no friends to lean on no support, no guidance, no help. You're gonna get it here, I promise you that. So again, if you're on the fence, pull the fucking trigger already. It will change your life, I promise you, I've seen it. So speaking of seeing it, I've seen some of the some of the more impactful weeks is, is in terms of, you know, seeing change, one of the more impactful weeks is week three. And it sort of ties into week two. So it's more about dropping into your body, and feeling your emotions in your body. And I know this concept is weird. It is something that I did learn in the Alpha code. But if you listen to it, and or read books, like the Body Keeps the Score if you listen to the episode I did with Dr. MC McDonald, if you listened to the episode I did with psychologist Erik Estrada, you know that this is this is researched, proven methodology to handle your emotions. And that is to drop into your body. And that's what this week teaches you. I try to get folks to focus on a couple of different emotions that occur. Because if I just say don't just drop in your body, when you feel emotion, you know what the fuck is that you need. For me, I like specificity. I like directions that are succinct and to the point. And so I tried to get guys to focus on a few different emotions that they face. One of those is is anger. And that's, you know, I hate to say this, but I feel like that's a kind of an easy one. I don't know if that's true, but I feel like it's a lot easier to to recognize when you're in anger than and pinpoint some things that you can do so, so what am I? What do I mean? What the fuck am I talking about dropped into your body. So okay, so let's say you feel angry over something, you have to take that pause. And this again, is sort of about mindfulness to take that pause. And that skill mindfulness is is honed a little bit more further on in the program. But in this week, you have to try and cultivate that pause when you're in anger, first you have to recognize and again, that's the there's more of that cultivation later on in the program. But you start with this week, where you start to notice where are you at? Where are your thoughts? And if you can just recognize number one, I'm angry, and then you start to to I know it sounds weird, but you literally drop into your body and try and figure out are your fist clenched? When you're angry? Do you grind your fucking teeth? Like oh, I do? Do you get? Does your face get flush? Just like what are you feeling when you when you're angry? And why is this important? One, so So I think I'm gonna explore anger a little bit deeper in future episodes, but because I really think anger in general, is a wasted emotion. And I know you know, I did an episode and the psychologist. He said it was it's a core emotion. And yes, that's true. If you are really actually truly faced with a fight situation to save your life, then anger is a core emotion you need it, unless you flight to in order to save your life. But if you're in a situation where you're cornered, life or death, then fight is the emotion or is the state you need to be in and anger is your fucking guide. And you need it. Most of our lives we are not backed into a corner in a life or death situation. So what happens is our anger becomes a surrogate to protect us from things that that don't require a fight. And so it can be a general wasted energy now there are times when you can use anger to your advantage to spur you to do things. But typically what happens or what I think happens is guys just get an anger and stew in their anger and they take no action. So it when you're in these states either fight flight freeze or fawn, you're not in your thinking logical brain. I'm sure you're all keenly aware I am not a scientist. I am not a doctor, but I have read enough to know that if I'm in any of those four states, I am not in my prefrontal cortex which is the front of my brain which is the logical part which decision making part I am in protection mode I am in fight flight freeze or fawn. I don't have all my faculties my brain is literally trying to save my life. Even though it's just that fuck I gotta go back to court that dumb bitch that's not being angry at that doesn't save my life. What it does is it gets me out of my logical thinking brain and it could get me to do some dumb shit like send her an email you fucking dumb con. I can't believe you did this. I never did that, by the way. But so why is it important to drop in your body? It's the soothe yourself and get yourself back into logical brain. Especially in anger. How many dumb fucking things have you done in anger? I've done a million of them. I couldn't even fucking count them. So why is this important? It's so you can stop making these same mistakes over and over so you can stop having I don't know about you, but many times in my life I've gotten very angry that I did or said something and then felt like a piece of shit afterwards. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could stop feeling a piece of shit after letting your anger take over? Well, that's the point of this week in the program week three is to not only anger and I'll get the others but but anger for sure is to to calm yourself down and start thinking logically. Okay, you're pissed that she's going back to court? Okay, but what what now? What can you do about that? What actions can you take, make sure your lawyers you know, up to abreast and has all the information and make sure you're, you've been documented everything, all these things that you should have been doing, you're not going to do if you're angry, you're not going to think about logically, okay, I need to call my lawyer, you're gonna think I'm gonna buck and tell her I'm gonna, I'm gonna call her and give her a piece of my mind. Again, nothing good, typically comes from those types of actions. So let's talk about some of the some of the other emotions that can be, they're a little bit trickier, I think to, to locate in your body, at least for myself. And I think sadness is one where it's, I do struggle with this one anger is my jaw, I clench my, my, my teeth. And if I'm really pissed, and by the way, not only the drop in your body, but and I'll do a little bit of a demonstration here in a little bit. But you also need to breathe in, again, your breath. Enough, enough deep breaths will trigger along with some soothing every body, if you can pinpoint where it is and massage it and breathe. It sends signals to your body that says, whoa, we're okay. It's okay here, there's no need to fight, you're not packed into a corner, you don't have to save your own life right now. We're good. Let's calm down. Let's get back into thinking brain, let's get that brain back online, it literally shuts off, you literally can't think straight. You guys know this, you've done it, I'm sure a million times the same as I have, because anger is our best fucking friend, when it comes to emotions. So anyway, so let's talk about maybe I'll talk about there's a part of me thinking shame. But that's another one it's really hard to pinpoint. But let's, let's stick with sadness, because I think we all face that on occasion. And sadness can lead to, I think anxiety, sadness, depression, these are all sort of, they can end up being this downward spiral, right. And if we can learn how to stop that, so sometimes sadness depression can lead to ruminating thoughts. And that leads us to these spirals of just despair and just depression and and just feeling just miserable, or I don't even know the words that there's there is a piece of the book, The Body Keeps the Score, where it talks about this inability to put words through this pain because your brain, again, literally shuts down the left and right brain don't communicate, because it doesn't want to talk, it doesn't want to relive it because your brain and I highly recommend MC McClellan's book on broken your brain is a is it amongst other things as a giant filing cabinet. And when it doesn't want to file things away, or doesn't know what to file things away with. It keeps bouncing around in your brain. And you can't, you can't move on from it and you can't integrate it into your into your, into your filing system. And so it's just it continues to pop up, it continues to pop up, you can't make sense of it. So therefore, you can't file it away. Because you don't know where to fuck to file it. I'm getting a little a little bit off track here. But part of that being able to integrate and and file the memory or the emotion away is to is to get into logical thinking brain to allow your filing system to sort of come back online. Again, read the book unbroken. It's fucking brilliant. I've been talking to MC McDonough a little bit. It's been difficult to get her on. She's very busy. We're probably not we're at this point. We're looking at springtime next year, which sucks, but I get it. She's super super busy. I'm just thankful for that book. And for her. You know, I sent her a message the other day I was reading I'm getting off track here I realized chapter seven and I fucking cried on the plane like not bald, like like a fucking baby. But like there there were I had to fight back tears. It's a this is a great book. So anyway. So in order to avoid these, these sort of spirals, these depression spirals, we can drop in our body and feel now this is sort of twofold. So

Michael 19:49
one is it brings us back online and ensue those and brings us back online. It it allows us to do Get out of the sort of the depths of our shit. Now, this isn't easy. I'm not saying once you learn this, you're gonna be, you know, everything's gonna be hunky dory. And then also, it allows us to actually feel something, which allows us to heal from it. So it's sort of twofold. One, we're talking sadness. So let's say, you just got a call and the boyfriend, the new boyfriend's coming over. And your daughter's telling you, Oh, Daddy, he's coming over. And it makes you really fucking sad. And then you start thinking all these fucking things, right? You know, oh, yeah, I'm gonna be replaced. I'm not good enough. This is all my fault. I'm the bad father, she's not going to love me anymore. You know, or kid, you know, son, whatever. They're, you know, I'm unreplaceable. Which is all not logical thoughts. There is no replacing dad. But when you're in these spirals, you can't be again, it's your fucking brain at work, your brain is trying to protect you. And it's not being logical. And I know it sounds weird to say, Well, how could it be protecting you, when it's when you're not thinking straight, but it's just the way that it works, you're in a certain mode that's trying to save your life, again, in the context of the brain trying to save your life, it's not the same as actually life saving stuff. So So anyway, so your your, you get this phone call, you get very, very sad, you start having these spiraling thoughts. One thing, the first purpose of this is to stop these spiraling thoughts. And that is to soothe yourself, right to stop thinking to start looking at where is this affecting your body, in this one is a little bit more difficult for me to pinpoint where but if you just massage your body, anywhere that you feel tightness, or stress, or just anything, it can get you back online. And the other thing you can do is, is in that moment, instead of quickly trying to get back online, to be logical, it's really just kind of sit with it, and feel it that might mean you're going to sob and cry like a baby. And that's okay. Feeling it leads to healing it again. No, it sounds fucking cheesy, or weird or whatever. But, and, you know, sometimes she had the rhymes is cheesy, but it holds fucking true. Again, read the book, but it keeps the score on broken, etc, etc. So that allows you to actually face it and deal with it, then you can heal from it, you can instead of just burying it, ignoring it, becoming angry, how fucking dare she do this, I can't believe you, we were together 20 some odd years or whatever it is. And, you know, again, that but that's not addressing the actual problem, the thing that you're feeling, it's, it's, it's going away from it, it's not allowing you to pinpoint or hone in on it. It's like wounding a fucking deer, when you need to take a shot in the heart and say what I'm saying you're not really, you're not really facing it head on. You're, you're dancing around it, you're avoiding it, actually. And so. So when you sit with it, you start to feel it. And then you can actually heal from it sorted. And it doesn't mean it's like this, it's like a, you know, a snap of the fingers. It's not fucking Thanos like you just, and that's it. Oh, it's all good. No, it takes time, effort, practice and patience. And again, in this program, you're gonna get coached through this, you're gonna have guys that can tell you, Well, when I get sad, I feel that in this part of my body, or when I get angry, I feel it in this part of my body. This again, helps you to sort of facilitate the learning and the growing, because you've had people that have already been through it and have done some of the work. Now, it's never ending some of this work. And it doesn't always hold true in terms of Well, today, I felt the sadness in my shoulders, well, maybe tomorrow, you won't, maybe you'll feel it elsewhere. But the point is to get out of your, your spiraling, shameful, protective in a weird way, because you're not if you're thinking about it, you're not feeling it, and your brain doesn't want you to feel pain. Again, go back to the left, right brain doesn't want to talk traumatic memories, it doesn't want to cross it over to the other side, because then you have to face it and deal with it. And doesn't know what to do with it. So it bounces around a little bit. Again, because you can't file it away. So if you can sort of start to get out of these spiraling thoughts calmed down and also in that process, feel the pain then you can start to heal you can start to grow you can start to be able to any once you learn these things and it's still a work in progress for me I'm not a fucking expert. But when I am hit with certain things now anxiety is the one that I'm I'm struggling with although I am working on something and once I have it a little bit more perfected I will do an episode on it. I'll probably do a small program on on anxiety. I'm doing a lot of research a lot a lot of reading. I'm doing a lot of trying things on my own and I'm working on some things but anyway once you master these things in any any sort of emotion that you have difficulty with, I shouldn't say master once you start getting a handle on it, any emotions that you've face that you struggle with, you're going to learn how to be able to deal with them. It's sort of like a boxer sort of taking punches, you know, eventually, hopefully you learn to take a punch, you learn how to maybe punches the wrong, wrong sort of way to look at it, but you learn how to deal with these things. Because the punches are going to come, if you're in a fucking ring, life is a ring, you're gonna get hit in the fucking face. And if you're alive, and in the ring, so to speak of life, you're gonna get hit in the face it life is sometimes just cruel, and unfuckin forgiving. But if you learn these things, you can learn how to deal with them, you can learn how to face them, you can learn how to manage them, so they don't manage you. So you can learn how to, to when when something makes you angry, instead of flying off the fucking handle, you learn how to calm the fuck down, see things clearly and go, Oh, shit, that was really hurtful and unnecessary. of that person. I'm going to set a boundary and cut them out of my fucking life, or whatever it is, instead of perpetually thinking about how you want revenge against this person, and how could How dare could she do that? Or whoever you know, a boss or whatever. And it keeps you stuck. It keeps you beholden to them. You're you're you're their fucking puppet, and they're your puppet master. And I don't have any interest in that. And if you learn how to manage these emotions, you become the master of your own destiny, which I know is sort of a funny phrase. Destiny is what it is, How the fuck can you master it, but you know what it's like you can you can decide the quality of your life. This doesn't mean this is easy. This isn't a quick, quick fix. There is no quick fix, there is no magic pill, life is fucking hard. But there are things that you can do. And you can learn to make it a little bit easier. And it's not always hard. It just when it's hard, man, sometimes it can be really fucking hard. So I encourage you to if you don't want to join my program, and you have zero interest, that's fine. I totally understand some of you out there I know are well on your journey and you're you're well towards healing. And God bless you. We need more folks like yourselves. And I think most of you, I hope most of you know who I'm thinking of former guest Jared I'm thinking of my my dear Bengals fan Pete, like these these guys and Scott and Jaron and there's, there's so many of you out there that you're well on your journey. And you've either been through the program or you're way past needing this program, although I think it can help everybody. You've done work, it's clear. And so I appreciate you, I appreciate all of you that that that want to do the work or had done the work because it reinforces the importance of it. To me even like I know it's important but when I see growth in people when I see people survive this and thrive after it reaffirms the necessity of doing the work so if you want to do the work let's fucking go let's just let's go send me a fucking email and book a call. And let's get you in the fucking program. If you are on the fence about the cost of the program, send me an email and we will work it out. I am not doing this to become rich although that would be fucking nice. But I'm not I would like to be able to do it for a living I don't know if that's ever gonna happen. It doesn't fucking matter. Because I do want to help period it allows me to feel like all of this shit that has occurred happened for a reason and that reason is I was able to help men get to the other side and not just dragging them there and barely making it I'm talking about getting the other side of a well laid out fucking bridge and looking back and going this wasn't so bad. Look at where I am now. That means so very much to me. And that's all that really matters to me I just want to help that's all I've ever wanted to do with this because it gives my life meaning it gives the divorce meaning obviously I have kids and a job and that that helps with meaning although honor honor about that job it can go fuck itself most of the time, but this makes me feel like it was all it was worth something all that pain and hurt and misery and it's still there to some degree. But when I get messages Oh, that reminds me so if you're listening on Spotify, Spotify now has this has this thing q&a, although I can't fucking figure out how to do the A part. So if you have made a comment

Michael 29:34
and I've gotten a couple recently I don't know why I can't figure out how to comment back so thank you very much for the comments. I don't know how I don't know no fucking comment back I'll I don't know it's not intuitive. It's not like oh, respond, hear or reply. I just don't see it. All I can do is publish the comment, which is annoying like it's like oh increase interaction with your audience. Well then let me fucking reply and maybe I'm just missing some anyway. I appreciate you that have commented It is pretty cool to hear from you guys. It does it does mean a lot, I can't lie and say it doesn't. And I'm working on receiving. I'm really fucking bad at it. But but but I'm working on I'm trying to embrace the positive comments and the positivity that comes from doing this because it is there, I do see it, I do feel it. I hate that sometimes I sort of, I don't wanna say ask for maybe I do ask for it. Maybe it's a subconscious thing. But I don't I don't want. I don't I don't want to, I appreciate you. That's what I want to say I appreciate you, all of you. So, again, if you're interested, there's a couple of ways to get a hold of me. If you want to reach out and talk to some other folks that have been in and through the program, I can certainly get in touch with some folks that best there are two ways to reach well, there's many, many ways to reach me. But the two best ways the probably the best way is the Rising Phoenix podcast 2020 at gmail, that's probably the best way to get a hold of me. I also have a Rising Phoenix divorce coach at Gmail. And of course, I'm on Facebook, I have a page Michael Ruse divorce coach, you can hit me up on there, I have an Instagram for Rising Phoenix podcast, I have way too many fucking social media Council feels like. But he is kind of if you're playing his game, you kind of have to so so there's there's multiple ways to reach me reach out at any time. Again, if it's a money thing, just talk to me, we'll figure it out. If if you need to stretch out the payments, if you're like I can't afford 1200 I can only afford x, we'll talk and we'll see. Maybe there is a way to bring you in at a in a reduced program instead of the whole 16 weeks. Maybe you focus on a few of the weeks, but you still get entry into the Brotherhood Facebook group. If you want to work on yourself, I will help you. So I guess that is it. I'm going to try going forward to do get back to doing four episodes a month as best I can. I'm going to try to do two solo ones and two booked guests. I have a guest lined up for next Friday to do an interview. He's a psychologist, I believe and the topic is loneliness. I'm going to probably start focusing on anxiety a little bit more, and trying to help us get through the shit that I'm facing. Because, again, if my struggles lead to your healing, that's pretty fucking awesome. So that's it. I'm out. Thank you so much for listening, take care of yourselves and take care of each other. Much love

Michael 32:50
thank you so much for watching and or listening. Since my separation in July of 2019, I had done an incredible amount of work on myself. I've had many different therapists, life coaches and went through different programs. I've taken all that I've learned in print in my own program called forged by fire. If you are interested in having me help you navigate your divorce, please visit my website Rising Phoenix divorce coach.com I look forward to working with you

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