Episode 121 – My Anxiety & Changes Made

Michael 0:00
Hey what's up, gentlemen, this is Rising Phoenix podcast podcast about how to rise up after divorce. I'm your host, divorce coach, Michael Rhodes. Let's get into it. Hello, and welcome to the show. This is episode 121. This is going to be a solo episode and I'm going to cover a few things, one being my anxiety, sort of where I'm at with that, and two being my coaching program. So let's start with the second part first, my coaching program. So for various reasons, I have decided to stop doing group coaching. I think, if I'm being honest, I just lost the capacity. To do that, I think I lost the ability to give my focus to folks that were in the group that were expecting my input and focus, I just couldn't give it even though they were done with the program, they still had expectation that I was going to be more involved in providing coaching and feedback and advice and support. But it really was, I've been stretched as you know, I've been stretched in since this new job started almost a year ago, actually, tomorrow will be one year. And my ability to provide guidance was was really limited. And I did hire someone, and he was a tremendous help. But that didn't really solve the problem, or it didn't provide what I think people expect it because it's my program and I'm the guy and I think people had expectations that I would be continued to even though they would have finished the program that I would continue to be providing all those things that I do when they're going through the program. And I think some expectations were different than mine and that cause some friction and stuff. But I think ultimately the bottom line is I need to stop doing group coaching and I'm going to shift for now to a one on one type of situation. So as as of right now, I'll only be taking on one max two clients at a time, we'll still go through the program, but there'll be a little bit more flexibility, there still will be assignments and videos and things that you'll have to do but it will be under a different format. I think I'm going to utilize Marco Polo, a little bit more than a Facebook group. And I may get back to doing the group coaching but it's going to require a change in in my work circumstances and that that may happen it may not but I'm still dedicated to providing support to people that really truly need it the people that are really in the depths of despair, or the people that are just lost. I think this way allows me to focus more on the people that are actively or you know, people that are really really in need of guidance and help and and haven't learned any tools or any skills that my program teaches so that's that you know, there was some missteps on my part in terms of ending it for sure. I handled it very poorly quite frankly and I'm trying to learn and grow from that and I've already had a positive experience with having a difficult conversation with someone and perhaps in the future you'll hear about that but I'm I'm trying to be a better man and I that that trying that fight that desire will never go away so and as I posted this morning if you follow me on Facebook I posted that you know essentially your your fuckup so your your greatest teacher and that's true you don't you don't learn as well. When you have a victory as when is as you do when you have a failure that is when you fuck up when you fuck up it gives you something to to analyze and look at and determine what you know where am I missteps here What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? You know, first you like I say often you define it what did I do wrong? And then you can ask why? And then the next question is you know how do I do it differently going forward? So that's what I've done and I'm going to continue to do I am a human being and I fuck up. And but I refuse to I mean there was some some initial you know a little bit of a down on myself a little bit but not Not, not much. It was more just disappointment and it needing to happen or Perhaps maybe it was, it needed to happen a lot sooner. That's almost assuredly the case. But I was trying to hold on to this little dream. But, um, but that, and also, I'm not giving up on that. It's just I'm taking a different course of action. You know, Adam, Adam, Adam Grant, sorry, Adam Grant talks about this. He posted about it a few months ago. And he talks about, you know, it's, it's not, it's okay to pivot, okay, to change, you're not giving up, you're just redirecting. And that's kind of what I'm doing with this. And so I'm going to redirect, and I'm going to focus on one on one coaching. I'm excited about that prospect. I'm going to have some announcements later in the month in terms of pricing and things of that nature. Just because it's sort of the anniversary of starting coaching, and it's also going to be coming up with third anniversary, this podcast, believe it or not. And that's fucking crazy to me. But anyway, you'll hear that next couple of weeks, probably on the anniversary of, of the podcast, but just know that, you know, I'm not, I'm not giving up, I'm not quitting, I'm just, I'm just changing a little bit. And I hope, at least at this juncture in my life, it's for the better, and allow me to be more. I don't want to say intertwined. But I think more therapists like, not a therapist, not saying that, but just more of that type of a relationship rather than a little bit disconnected. Because when you get too many people, and there's too many videos to review, and assignments and things of that nature. It can, it can allow, certainly allow me to feel disconnected to people into the province, to the process, but absolutely the people. So I think this is a good thing. Long story short, so that's that. Onward and upward. I say it all the time. And I mean, speaking of onward and upward, I want to talk about my anxiety. So I am doing very, very well. And I'm gonna kind of go over a couple of things I thought about maybe doing this is like just a solo, standalone episode where I just talk about what I've been doing what I've developed. Because as I said, I'm not just going to take this fucking thing lying down here, I'm going to try and come up with something that doesn't mean that I've cured my anxiety or any kind of that bullshit. But I have making a I put in a serious dent into my anxiety, and I'm in a much better place. So what did I do? What are the steps that I took to sort of face my anxiety sort of meet it? head on? Well, number one, honestly, to go back to the previous topic is I stopped doing the group coaching because I think that was a part of my anxiety, for sure. And so I made that decision. And I think that has, I've seen some benefits there. The other thing I've done is, it's really kind of a mindset thing. So every morning I'm doing I'm writing things I'm grateful for, I'm writing affirmations on I'm writing my strengths. Every morning, I had an alarm on my phone remind me to do this. I shouldn't say every morning every morning. And if I'm on the road, it is more difficult. I don't do it then because it throws my schedule out of whack. But every morning, I am home during the week, this is what I'm doing. And I feel like this is a benefit also listened to every morning a inspirational motivational type of video on YouTube. It's the same one. It's I could probably provide a link but it's basically it's not by Tony Robbins. But it's Tony Robbins speaking, someone else took something he did and put it into a into a little video. I think it's like 30 minutes long. So I've been trying to do that. I've been trying I've been doing that. And that's that's paid some some dividends. So small ones, it helps you start your day with my right mindset. It's not and it's not fake. It's not phony. It just it allows you to sort of get into a good headspace and start your day. So that is helpful. The other thing I'm doing is a really, really, really listening to my body. And when I feel the stress, I absolutely stop what the fuck I'm doing and I meditate I find a good meditation on YouTube and I take not long 510 15 Max minutes, and I meditate and I relax and i Calm the fuck down. The other thing I'm doing is I bought a smart ring and I highly recommend this thing. It's poorly named it's called ring con, which I don't know who the fuck named it but yeah

Michael 9:50
it's poorly named, but it tracks my sleep attracts my stress levels, my activity and it will it will show me where I'm stressed it and when And, and then that allows me to make some decisions as well. So okay, I had a really stressful that meeting was really stressful why? Why was that? Was I not prepared? Was it the person? How do I handle it differently? Again, being mindful being open and and taking a look at all these things that that is also been a benefit to me. The other thing again, I decided I was going to attack this, how do I deal with this? What can I do? There are a lot of reading and a lot of research. And I found that there was a lot of recommendations for magnesium taking magnesium for anxiety actually, is beneficial to help. And so I do that every night, I take, I can't remember the the milligrams, I probably should have wrote it down. But just do the research, go on the web and say, How much magnesium, how much and what type is there's two different types of magnesium? Do I take for anxiety? I think that has helped as well. You know, again, the research that studies the data, it's all out there, and it says this, this can be helpful. Is it like a cure all? Probably not? No? Is it a piece and component of all this stuff? Yeah, I think anything, any tool that you can pick up to put in your toolbox, I can do it, pick it up and try it. And I don't know that it's, you know, like I said, I don't know that it's, you know, the key component here. But I do know that since I started taking that since I've been doing all these other things, and I'm gonna get to the last one, the big one, things have been better, I feel much, much, much, much, much better. Not only do I have less panicky feelings. I also have learned how to handle it when I do. So this is the last piece and and for me, so all those other things sort of bring the volume down, I think to make it less likely that your cup is runneth over, you know what I'm saying so that it brings the levels down. But when sometimes those levels kick up anyway, stress happens, panic happens. So what do I do? So I developed this technique, I don't think it's anything earth shattering or rich, probably someone else does something very similar, but I do the following when I start to feel a little panicky. First is I take a deep breath, and I find something that I can see within my eyesight. And so right now I can see my laptop right there. And then I see that as Okay, I see my laptop and I take a deep breath. And then I find something else that I see I see a tripod over here, a camera tripod, again, I take a deep breath. And then I find something else that see the speakers and monitors in my studio. And then I take a deep breath. And then I listen for things. So what. So I do three, three things that I can see, next to three things that I can hear. So I can right now I can hear obviously myself talking, which, when you're by yourself, this is a little bit more challenging, but it's not impossible. I can hear the fan on my, on my laptop. When I move my arms, I can hear the little jingling of my bracelets. This this what this does, my understanding is it gets you out of fight or flight. It takes you out of that. That lizard brain and it puts you in a thinking brain. And then the other than to do that three times three things that I can hear for follow up I'm on an airplane. And this is where typically where it happens. But sometimes in a car to like like riding in an Uber or in a vaccine, it's a small car or something. I'm big dude. So I when I do these things in those moments that has really, really less than the last thing I do is feel so three things that I can feel, they can easily rub your leg and feel your pants or jeans, your sweat pants, whatever it is that you're wearing. And then could be your phone case could be your own skin like Oh, it feels really it's feels kind of dry today. But breathe in between each one of these. The breath is probably a big part of the key. The Press allows it, it allows you to pause, it calms you It soothes you. And then again, when you're focusing on things other than your nebulous, other worldly problems, and put you in, in in what's really happening in reality and in the present. It takes these stress levels and just knocks them down. I have found this to be really, really helpful. I have had a panic attack. I've had panicky moments or moments where I felt again, listening to my body where I could feel like maybe notice a tightness in my in my upper back maybe, you know or just being mindful of the situation like I'm about to get on an airplane. I'm not a fan of being like if I'm next to sandwiches in somewhere if I have a middle seat or whatever. If I know that this is coming up. I can sort of pre prepare myself, you know, this year You gotta be okay. You take amendment you fly in many, many, many, many, many times. Once you sit down once you get settled, go through your, your process, you know, your deep breaths, your looks looking for something, you're hearing things and what you can feel. And it has greatly greatly helped me. I am in a much, much better space in mentally, and I am very, very thankful for this. This isn't always easy to say. And if you're out there and you struggle with this, just keep working on it. But I'm very, very grateful for who the fuck I am. Because I didn't take this problem go, Oh, I'm off. It's fucked. I'm fucked. Everything's fucked this is I don't know what to do. Let me and this is not to say that medication is bad, but let me go run and get some medication. If you need medication, go fuck and get it. I'm not judging that. But I'm saying. Rather than doing that I decided, okay, what the fuck can I do to solve this problem? Now, that doesn't mean it's forever solved. I'm never gonna have another panic attack, I'm never gonna have stress or feel panicky doesn't mean that but I had a problem. And I said, How can I fucking fix it? And I have many problems. And I'm not done. But I'm a resilient motherfucker. And so if I can do it, anybody can do it. Just make it the intention. I'm going to do this. And I'm briefly talk about because I got a one o'clock meeting. I'll briefly talk about another victory, another moment of setting the intention. And that is I'm, I'm talking with someone and then I went on a date with someone and something occurred not a big thing. But but a thing that probably like that in the past, I would have ignored or or certainly, yeah, not talked about. But something occurred. Not a bad thing. I promise you eventually I'll get into the details, but I won't now. And I had a difficult conversation that I didn't really want to have, I just because I set the intention, I don't want to be a person who avoids things. Now, again, this doesn't mean that I've fucking fixed it, or I'm never gonna flake out again, in terms of not having a difficult conversation. But I set the intention, I don't want to be like this, I don't, I want to be able to face my fears, my, my worries, my anxieties, and do something about it. I'm not going to keep fucking just complaining about where I am and making no changes. So if you're out there, just set the intention, whatever the big thing is in your life that you're really, really struggling with, whether that be loneliness, depression, anxiety, whatever it is, just set the intention, I'm going to figure this out, and then read and listen to things and implement things. All of these problems that we have, they are all, I don't want to say fixable, because that might be a little bit strong, but they are certainly manageable. And we don't have to keep going through life. And having the same things continue to happen to us. We can make change, it is fucking possible. I don't give a fuck what anyone says People don't change bullshit. People that have the intention to change can change. And that's that's true. Every fucking human being. So take some, some joy, I suppose in my victories? Not not, you know, I haven't won the war, so to speak, I don't think but I've won some battles. And you can do the same. It just takes intention, and effort. And like my last guest said, perhaps some courage. So it's all God. This is a quick one. But I wanted to give you an update. I do have another one recorded with Dr. Eric Ellis. I recorded that one while I was on the road. I think I it again, if you follow me on Facebook, you seen that I posted a picture of the new backdrop that I got for the road for when I'm when I'm in hotels, so I can hopefully continue to record these things regardless of my work schedule. So I'm excited about getting one out. I thought it was a really good episode and it touches a lot. Well, it's all it's all about, you know how to deal with kids if you have them and divorce and how do you manage that? And how do you how do you navigated? And, and it's a good one, I think and it'll be out probably next week, this one will come out I think today the sixth of November of 2023. But it might might not be till the seventh, we'll see. So if you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out you know how to find me at this point in and just don't give up. Onward and upward is something that I say and I fucking mean it. Until next time, take care of yourselves and take care of each other.

Michael 19:46
Thank you so much for watching and or listening. Since my separation in July of 2019 I have done an incredible amount of work on myself. I've had many different therapists, life coaches and went through different programs I've taken all that I've learned and put it into my own program called forged by fire. If you are interested in having me help navigate your divorce, please hit my website Rising Phoenix divorce coach.com I look forward to working with

Unknown Speaker 20:13
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